Tuesday, August 07, 2007

As dictated by his lordship

I knew it was coming, but the inevitable email from Marcosy still came as something of a shock when it exploded into my inbox this morning:
"Where's your latest blog post? I'm getting impatient!"
So, Marcosy, this one's for you.

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I went out on my bike in the glorious sunshine at the weekend. Ah-ha! I thought, maybe even thrusting my pointed finger into the air while a cartoon light bulb appeared above my head - here's a perfect opportunity to sort out those blasted tanlines! An earlier bike ride, y'see, left me with some pretty severe lines at around the arm level of a short-sleeve t-shirt - the kind of thing that leaves you looking like you're wearing a pasty, flesh coloured t-shirt when you pull your top off.

My stroke of genius here, then, was that it was so hot I decided to go out in just my shorts; of course, I say 'just my shorts,' but then you have to figure in my camelbak - a rucksack with a water-filled bladder I can suckle from while cycling. What my stroke of genius failed to take into consideration was that my camelbak has straps; thus, the result is that while I'm rid of the original tanlines (they've now been incorporated into some sort of weird tan-based gradient), I now possess some stunning new ones that make me look like I'm wearing a pasty, flesh coloured wife-beater. But only on my back.

Sometimes I *just* can't win.

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My hair looks awesome today.

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I arrived home to something of a surprise last night: a huge wheelie bin parked outside my house. And then I noticed there was a huge wheelie bin parked outside everyone's house. It was like a really cheap episode of Doctor Who. Being laden-down with shopping after a trip to Sainsbury's, I pretty much gave my wheelie bin an ironic look, and walked straight on past it. Ten minutes later, though, I was back out to have a look at it, and pretty much just stood there looking like a spacker checking out a wheelie bin. About all I was able to glean from it was that, yep, it was a wheelie bin. So I wheeled it round to the side of my house. Then I figured I'd put some rubbish in it. I mean, why the hell not?

A few hours later, I was doing some work (did I mention I'm really busy at the moment? I'm rushed off my tanned titties, people), when a letter popped through my letter box - it was from my resident's association, and was all about the exciting new bin situation. Being a little bit eager to get the full skinny on what was going down, and being even more eager to not do any work for a couple of minutes, I went outside to talk to the dear old lady in charge of such matters.

To cut a long story short, it seems like we'll be getting another exciting wheelie bin for recycling soon, giving each little house two ma-hoo-sive wheelie bins. Now, in the grand scheme of things this is a super idea, but it's going to make my little road look like a bit like a retirement home for wheelie bins. And I'm pretty sure some drunken chav will, at some point, take utter delight in upending the whole lot and leaving us to pick up the pieces.

*shakes fist at chavs*

Anyway, I was talking to this little old lady for about 10 minutes, when all of a sudden she abruptly turned the conversation on its head and started trying to sell me on the prospect of becoming a director of the resident's association. Oh blimey, I thought, desperately trying to extricate myself from the conversation; sadly, my excuse that I simply *had* to press on with a four-page gatefold on the asteroid ship Yonada (as featured in episode 65, 'For the World is Hollow and I have Touched the Sky') fell on deaf ears. It was at that moment that I briefly considered picking the dear thing up and popping her in my new wheelie bin. And I really would have, if I could've been bothered to wrestle an old lady at nine-thirty at night.

I'm blaming her if this issue goes late.

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And now an apology:
Dear Channel 5 weather girl Lara Lewington - please accept my humblest, most sincere apologies. Recently, I put a video of one of you weather reports up on youtube, where, it seems, you have attracted the lascivious attentions of a number of youtube users. It was not my intention to put you forward as an object of sexual desire for tinternet users, and I regret that this is the case.

On the plus side, you may like to know that you've been rated five out of five, and at least one user would "totally knob" you.

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Bunny watch:
Regular readers will recall that I went for a midweek bike ride last week. And I enjoyed it so much I've just done it again! Obviously what with it being the evening and the Met Office issuing a severe weather warning there was little opportunity for me to try and correct the aforementioned tanline issue, but it did provide me with another chance to check out the little bunnies on the towpath by Hampton Court. Aaaah, they were there again, and still looking sweet and adorable. Although I am thinking that I may have to stop doing this route, because the law of averages suggests that one day I'm going to have a bunny-related incident, and I really don't want to have to either swap insurance details with a rabbit, or have to put one out of its misery after it gets caught up in my chain. Hmmm… I suppose I could alway lob it in the river…

Anyway, I was going to take a little video of the bunnies milling around for you all to see, but when I arrived at a place with sufficient lighting I glanced over and saw this rough-looking beast of a bunny sitting on his haunches glaring at me, totally at odds with all the other cheerful looking bunnies. It was like a bunny godfather. If bunnies could speak, this one would've said "No picture! No paparazzi!" in a threatening east-european accent. That being the case, I just kept pedalling.

I really didn't want that disease ridden, grizzled old bastard launching itself at me on a Tuesday evening.

11 comments:

Dinah said...

My hair looked fantastic today too. It's FINALLY at a length where it looks decent, instead of straggly and limp.

Good hair rocks!

missy&chrissy said...

i hope the godfather bunny isn't there next time - i think we would all love to see a bunny video!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

So... Varying degrees of tan, eh? Of course, we, your discerning readers, could help you with such problems with various suggestions and tips. However, you've neglected to share the full extent of the problem with us, i.e.
WHERE ARE THE PHOTOGRAPHS?!

P.S. I told you about the viciousness of bunnies - don't cross that Godfather Bunny. If it's not like that evil General bunny from Watership Down, then it'll be like the Rabbit of Caerbannog from Monty Python And The Holy Grail. It'll have your head off soon as look at you.

Tim said...

Dinah - I know! Mines actually at the point where I feel I need to get it cut, so it came as a pleasant surprise!

Missy&Chrissy - I'll definitely get a video next time as long as that demonic nutter-bunny isn't there. He freaked me out a little bit - I cycled off like a man possessed after seeing him!

Inexplicable Device - Well, yes, that's a good point, what I'll do is jus-

Wait a second. Are you just trying to lull me into taking photographs of myself?! Good grief!

I also had flashbacks to Watership Down after seeing the godfather bunny - but then 'Bright Eyes' started playing in my head, and I got a little bit emotional.

I couldn't watch that film for YEARS.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I bought it last year as it was about £2.99 but haven't yet watched it. I just can't bring myself to be turned into a quivering, tear-soaked mess by getting caught up in it again.

Tara said...

I wish we had wheelies for recycling at my apartment. I would be more environmentally responsible for my plastic bottles if we had them.

Poor old lady. She wanted to pass on the torch of being the Resident Director. She has probably been cursed with the title her whole life. She'll go on in exhaustion each day to convince someone to take over for her.

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - You what!? You bought it!? It's on every bank holiday!!!

Tara - Excitemondo! My second wheelie bin turned up today! It has 'RECYCLING' written on it.

She can keep the bloody torch - there's a few of them who do it, so I don't know why she was kicking off about it. Back in her box! Or rather 'bin,' as it almost was!!

WillowC said...

Don't worry Inexplicable Device, I bought it too! Bunny love, aahhhh.

And Tim, if this really is an episode of Doctor Who you should be fearing for your life right now, for that old lady was coming to recruit you for the invading forces and you have refused. That wasn't a bunny rabbit.

Tim said...

Are you two bonding over Watership Down? Geez! Do you like it because it's like Lord of the Rings, but with bunnies walking somewhere rather than midgets?

If the old woman tries anything I certainly will shove her in the bin. Possibly while shouting "RECYCLE THIS!" a bit like how Worf shouts "assimilate this!" in First Contact.

WillowC said...

Is there anything better to bond over? Bunny rabbits in a gripping tale of love and survival against the odds, it's a classic in every way.

Tim said...

It would've been better if they were chocolate bunnies.

Oh, damn you Lindt!