Sunday, July 04, 2010

Tuxedo hotpants

As if you haven't noticed, Britain's been basking in a much-needed, long overdue heat wave for the last week or so. And bearing in mind I only seem to own three pairs of casual shorts what does that mean?

Summer wardrobe - yay!

OK, so while you'd imagine that sort of statement would go hand-in-hand with a little jump that stops at the apex in a freeze-frame - which would be awesome - it didn't; it actually led to a bit of sighing on my part because I'm having real difficulty finding any clothes I like at the moment. Still, always one for a challenge I decided to hit-up some shops.

My first stop was of the online variety - specifically ASOS - where I picked up a new white wifebeater vest because I inexplicably seemed to have dumped my old one. Either that or someone snuck in through my open window, stole it, and is currently sat at home reading Star Trek novels with it wrapped around their head or something. I also picked up a grey sleeveless tee because I had one of those years ago and absolutely j'dored it, but also seemed to have thrown that away at some point. Weird huh? Anyway, both tops were six quid each, making them, I think you'll agree, a bloomin' bargain (even if they end up disintegrating in the wash).

I was also tempted by a vest with a palm tree and dramatic sunset on it because it reminded me of something Tyler Durden wore in Fight Club, although one swift Google reveals that it's actually nothing like anything Tyler Durden wore in Fight Club so I don't know what I was smoking back in 1999 when I saw that movie. I still might buy it though.

If anyone can actually find me a vest with 'LIVE HARD SEX' written on the front that would be just fantastic.

The day after my vest shopping extravaganza I wondered down to Westfield to try to rectify the whole 'I only own three pairs of shorts' thing, because quite frankly it's a bit awkward only owning three pairs of shorts as it leaves you having to go at least a couple of days in jeans in the hot weather - an unenviable position because not only do they get hot and sticky, but because while the upper portion of my body tans rather easily, my legs are still embarrassingly pale; it's like they were transplanted from an albino. And before you say it, I am vehemently against this whole rolling up your jeans thing that everyone seems to be doing these days; they end up looking like capri pants, and my calves are too manly and bulgy to nail that look (thank god).

Anyway, bearing in mind I'm trying to be a bit more dapper these days and my three existing pairs are all of the tres casual variety (just thought I'd throw a little French in there), I thought I might look for something a little more tailored. So I went to Topman, primarily because I am, I like to think, a top man.

An epic fail ensued, however, because I found their selection depressingly limited. Not only that, but the one pair I did pick up - which I thought were just simple black shorts - actually turned out to be a horrific pair of truncated tuxedo trousers. I kid you not, they were *short* shorts made in the style of tuxedo trousers. I was so horrified that someone might actually see me holding them and mistakenly think that I was actually considering buying them that I flung them back on the rack and hot-stepped it out of there faster than Ini Kamoze. I simply can't fathom where or when they would've been appropriate to wear. Or, bearing in mind how short they were, legal.

I think the tuxedo hotpants scarred me a little bit because I felt a bit queasy after that and had to go and sit down for a while. Because I'm such a conscientious blogger, though, I thought I'd give you the option of seeing them for yourself. Please approach with caution, however, and note that while they may look of reasonable length here, in real life even Kylie might balk at the prospect of slipping into them.

*voms in mouth a bit*

On the plus side, my vests were delivered on Friday. Curiously, though, while I ordered both in medium and the white wifebeater fits *perfectly,* the grey one is huge. So huge, in fact, that as I stood there looking at myself in the mirror, I had flashbacks to when I was about four years old and tried on some of Sparky Pa's clothes. As a result, I'll be sending that one back.

Of course, what all of this summer shopping adds up to is the fact that inevitably just as I'm baring arms and finally ready for this wonderful hot weather the sun will implode and - BAM! - autumn will arrive. Always one to look on the bright side, however, at least then I'll have a reason to go shopping for a new winter wardrobe - hopefully without fear of my eyes being assaulted by a pair of tuxedo hotpants.


Inexplicable DeVice said...

How dare you! I am not wearing your vest on my head. Why, the very idea is preposterous.

I'm wearing it properly.


Now. We all want to believe you are, indeed, a top man, so, why don't you model your summer look for us. We all know you're handy with a camera, so snap to it!

Ponita in Real Life said...

I'm sure everyone else over there is afflicted with the same albino leg syndrome... so not to worry about that.

Perhaps you'd like to try shopping online in a different country? We have a great place if you're willing to pay shipping... Mountain Equipment Coop. I love that store!!! They have excellent quality goods and some are even recyclable.

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - I didn't buy the tuxedo hotpants, so I most certainly will NOT be modelling those!

Ponita - No, not really; a lot of people appear to be applying liberal amounts of fake tan/wood stain to their legs. Whatever it is, it doesn't look right!

On the plus side - SHORTS WIN! I bought a wicked new pair for 20 quid this very afternoon! Ta for the link - that store looks a lot like Millets that we have over here!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

But you could model the vest. And the new shorts, couldn't you?

OddThomas said...

Office trousers with no legs ... dress down Friday with a *horrible* difference!

If it's any consolation, I'm also sporting the half-tanned look with arms brown one side and white the other, a couple of white stripes down my sides and legs that look like I've been doing Willow impressions in the garden. Not a good look for impressing the ladies!

CyberPete said...

"If anyone can actually find me a vest with 'LIVE HARD SEX' written on the front that would be just fantastic."

Did you try googling it? Tee-hee!

Re. The micro tuxedo hotpants, you do realise that Jake Shears was in town? Anyway, I may be the only one who thinks the concept is good? I'm sure that with the right body and accessories it would work. The are tiny though.

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - Technically I could, yes!

OddThomas - We should really consider Cuprinol, shouldn't we? That way we'd also be waterproof when the weather inevitably turns.

Cyberpete - No; I entertained the notion of googling it for about half a second before I decided I was better off asking one of you lot to do it for me.

What's the betting IDV's hot-footed off to pick up some hotpants?

CyberPete said...

I think the chances of him raiding your hamper with dirty yoga pants are better.

I'd rather see Jake Shears than IDV in those hotpants

Tim said...

We should really stop mentioning IDV and hotpants in the same sentence.

I'm feeling a little bit sick.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

My ears are burning. Is someone talking about me?

* adjusts hotpants and sashays off *

CyberPete said...

Yes, clearly they don't mix well.

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - No. And eeeeeeew.


CyberPete said...

They would go with white shirt and suspenders. (and possibly a pair of black platform suede heels from Zanotti)

CyberPete said...

The peeptoe kind

Tim said...

You've thought this through a worrying amount … plus, can you imagine IDV on a stacked heel? He's already 9ft tall.

CyberPete said...

I find it quite disturbing how you keep putting IDV in those micro hotpants. Or for that reason, stacked heels.

The towering inferno takes on a new meaning.

Tara said...

Ack, it was definitely smart of you to back away from the tuxedo hotpants. Grateful you said "I don't" rather than "I do".

I don't know why it's more difficult to get sun on the legs. Mine still need color too, although last month while bbquing, I was able to get a really painful sunburn on one side of my left leg, just under my knee.

CyberPete said...

I think google ate my comment, that or IDV removed in his micro hotpants and stacked heels with his little wand

Inexplicable DeVice said...

You know 'Petra, I think you're on to something? Just why does Tim keep imagining me in said hotpants and heels?
I think he just likes peple looming over him!

Tim said...

Cyberpete - Um, YOU mentioned the stacked heels and then kept repeating the fact that IDV was in the hotpants - don't blame me for your scary thoughts good Sir!

Tara - Just the one spot?! That's very … focused!

Cyberpete - It's my new hotpants filter.

Inexplicable Device - I DON'T!

CyberPete said...

I think you are using your delusional monocle or something because you suggested IDV got them and all I did was say what would work with micro hotpants. After that you put IDV in the stacked heels and it all went downhill after that.

That said, we do agree on the fact that it's disturbing. Oh, and keep your sweaty yoga kit under lock and key.

Tim said...

I made one comment saying "what's the betting he's off to buy some" and then you ran with it, along with - I THINK YOU'LL FIND! - the first mention of some high-heeled boots! I think that new Kylie album's done something to your brain with its repetitive beats and lacklustre lyrics.

And why do you keep bringing my yoga kit up? I'll have you know that's washed after every class!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I think 'Petra means you should should keep your sweaty yoga kit away from me, your new Nerd King!
Although, mere locks cannot prevent me from reaching my target.

And stop bad mouthing Kylie's album!

Tim said...

Why would you want to target my sweaty yoga kit?!

CyberPete said...

Yeah, stop badmouthing Kylies album

Tim said...

Why? I'm not the only one:

CyberPete said...

That doesn't make it any better.

Do you share Lee's fascination of Cher and all things glittery too? Anyway, he should know better, hah!

Tim said...

I can be distracted with shiny, possibly glittery things. Cher … I'm more beguiled by the taut, slightly alien appearance of her face.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I keep forgetting to say: GET THE PALM VEST!! It looks great.