Jerk off

About a month ago I received an email telling me that a comment had been left on a post I wrote back in September 2007 entitled Crotch rot. That post, for anyone who can't remember or can't be bothered to hit the link and go read it, told the thrilling tale of me having to buy a new pair of jeans to replace a pair that had developed a rather ill-placed hole in the groinal region (although you might consider it a well-placed hole if you can't be bothered, or don't have the time, to undo your trousers before going to the toilet).

Seriously, though, you should go read that post; it was vintage - a bit like the jeans.

So anyway, this comment dropped into my inbox. Comments made on old posts are more often than not spam or, even worse, spam in Chinese so I can't even read it and dream about what I would do with piles of cheap viagra, an 18 inch penis, or the money deposited into my bank account by a Nigerian prince, but this one grabbed my eye because it was a legitimate comment from a real person, albeit one named Chip Monk (although not this one - at least I don't think so anyway).

And then I read it.

"Crotch rot? Holes in the crotch area in your jeans, underwear, sweats or any other fabric that covers your genitals? Well, maybe you have the same problem I have -- I find whenever I'm sitting down in any semi-private area: at my desk, in the car, etc., my left hand mysteriously (and chronically) somehow finds its way to my penis where it habitually wants to massage the head of my penis through the cloth. Over varying amounts of time all this penis attention eventually gets the best of any clothing I wear over my groin area. Having had the problem of crotch rot for many years its my opinion that your problem may be the same as mine. I wonder if anyone will ever come up with a solution that works?"

Now, I've been accused of many things over the years, but causing the material of my clothing to disintegrate via the medium of chronic masturbation is one of the more bizarre. I mean, unless you're buying really cheap clothing from Primark I think you'd really have to be going pretty gung-ho to wear a hole in anything. Particularly denim. And in the car? Bitch, please; I can't even begin to fathom how that would work. I mean, I use my left hand to change gear - can you imagine the tailback it would cause on the dual-carriageway if you couldn't change out of first?

Don't even get me started on the "at my desk" part. I work in an open plan office - just imagine how awkward that would be:

"Call on line one for you."

"Oh, um, could you, like, maybe take a message or someth- oh shit, I've worn a hole in my trousers."

So, dear Chip Monk, if you're reading, while I'll happily admit that I have on occasion been plagued with crotch rot in my jeans, I can assure you that my problem most certainly does not originate for the same reasons as yours. As for a solution that works, maybe you should try a bowl of corn flakes, or at least sit on your hands for a while? Basically anything that gives your wiener an opportunity to recover even for a few hours is probably for the best - the poor thing is probably more chafed than an arctic explorer's cheeks.