Sunday, January 31, 2010

Avatar and the distressing burning sensation story

I finally got to see Avatar on Friday. After four weeks and numerous failed attempts due to the cinema being booked out, I pre-booked tickets online and was IN.

So what did I think (I know you're all CLAMOURING to know)?

Well, yeah, it was OK. I probably enjoyed it about as much as I thought I was going to, but I have no real desire to see it again at the cinema or when it comes out on DVD. I think I looked at it more as a wonderful technical achievement rather than a riveting movie, particularly as I saw the 3D version. It was like a showreel for all the wonderful things you can do with CGI these days (particularly when you've forced your audience to wear glasses that make them look like a Roy Orbison appreciation society), which thankfully was quite a lot because the plot was a bit on the thin side and the film nudges three hours in length. That said, I did think some of the effects were noticeably CGI-y, which did take me out of the narrative a bit and make me think that I was watching something akin to Toy Story in the woods.

The plot, as I said, was stretched a smidgeon tight and I kind of lost interest a bit towards the end where it just descends into a huge ruck, particularly as I saw the 3D version and it all gets a bit confusing when loads of things are exploding and flying towards your head. I found it to be more effective earlier on when Soldier Sam was integrating himself in to the blue people village (I'm sorry, I genuinely can't be arsed to Google the correct spelling of their name) and falling in love with the CGI Uhura, although I did feel this all happened a wee bit too fast; Dances with Wolves it was not, but at least in these genteel scenes you got to appreciate the 3D effect rather than dodging out of the way when an explosion flung a gangly blue man out of the screen at you.

My biggest complaint was undoubtedly how heavy-handed it was. Yes, we get the idea it's an analogy for environmental concerns as well as the whole messy Iraq/Afghanistan situation, but we don't constantly need it forced down our throats (which is almost doable in 3D), particularly by one-dimensional characters like Colonel Caricature; James Cameron clearly thought that if subtlety couldn't be rendered in CGI it had no place in his film.

All in all, though, I'm glad I've seen it. For the most part it was diverting enough, and I would probably watch it when it comes on the telly at some point. I am not, however, clinically depressed by the fact I can't go and live on Pandora. Because that's just ridiculous.

Would William Shatner like to contribute something?

(If, however, you want to Na'vi-up and paint yourself blue, just watch this disturbing video to find out how)


I'm always intrigued by how people find my blog, and as such my sitemeter data is a constant source of fascination. Just this last week, for instance, I discovered that writing a post with the words 'porn-star' in the title can lead to all manner of visitors stopping by, and even lead to your humble little entry and a picture of your magnificent moustache being listed on a porn star celebrity news page between articles on 'Exclusive: Celebrity Porn Star Calls Tila Tequila’s Bluff' and 'What's a Porn Star to Do When the Industry's Cashflow Dries Up? Turn to 1-on-1 Fan Meetings.'

(Incidentally, you can vote for me - I don't know for what purpose, but I just did because I like the idea of winning things even if they are excessively porny. OK, especially if they are excessively porny)

Anyway, one of the most memorable search terms used to find my blog over the last year was 'what happens if I put Tiger Balm on my cock?' That particular Googler was undoubtedly left unsatisfied by his visit, because while I had written about Tiger Balm, I had not written about putting it … well, *there*.

For those who don't remember, after my car accident last year I was told by my doctor to buy some Tiger Balm, a potent little cream that, when applied to sore muscles causes them to heat up to a temperature something like that only found on the surface of the sun. I hated the sensation at first, but truth be told I grew to rather like it over time. I suspect in that respect it's a little bit like morphine.

Back to the present. I went to yoga on Thursday evening after work, and just minutes into the class I felt a teeny-tiny little bit of discomfort in my back. It wasn't enough to make me stop yoga-ing, nor was it enough to make me howl in pain like a wounded Na'vi (OK, I caved and Googled it). I could, however, feel it throughout the rest of the class.

Upon returning home I decided that I'd do my utmost to nip this pain in the bud because I didn't want it impinging on my Saturday yoga class, nor cause me any pain during the Avatar screening (because I suspected, rightly so as it turned out, that various parts of the film would be painful enough as it was). So, I reached for the Tiger Balm, scooped a big dollop onto my fingers, and applied it to the area on my back that was twinging. Then I washed my hands - with soap - to remove all traces of it.

As it turns out, I did not remove all traces of it. And unfortunately, my next action was to, um, go number ones. For the ladies out there who may not be familiar with how sophisticated chaps such as my good self go number ones, it generally involves holding, um, a certain something so as to avoid spraying the floor, walls, and potentially the ceiling, with pee-pee.

A minute later I was curled up in the foetal position on my bed, rocking like I was on the Sunshine Bus and begging The Almighty to take the pain away. The Almighty, as it turns out, was not available to take the pain away, and I subsequently had to endure 15 minutes of penis-searing pain before I could come anywhere remotely close to unclenching my legs.

So the moral of this story, dear unidentified and curious Googler, is this: whether intentionally or not, you really don't want to be putting Tiger Balm on your cock. It hurts.


CyberPete said...

Now I really must watch Avatar, and soon.

I want to watch those dodgy CGI effects. I crave them.

God, I hope it's also camp.

Ponita in Real Life said...

Haven't seen Avatar... will probably wait for it to come out on tv.

But the Tiger Balm scene.... that made me howl too! In laughter! Sorry, Tim... but I just couldn't help it. :-D

Hope everything is all better now... back and front.

Dinah said...

This blog isn't just entertaining, it's educating, too.

I still get a ridiculous amount of hits for naked pictures of Michael Landon...which I have never posted. Sigh.

Tara said...

You are quite sophisticated, I thank you not just for myself but for all of the other females out there for your bathroom manners.

Ouch to infinity, though! I hope you were able to walk normally soon afterwards.

I will be seeing Avatar this weekend. That Uhura girl has been busy! I went to see the movie "Legion", and she was in previews for two movies.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

We're seeing Avatar this week sometime (I hope), but luckily, I don't know the storyline, so hopefully I won't be disappointed. Although, I'm hoping the depression doesn't set in.

Remember, I'm available for all kinds of holding next time you want to Tiger Balm something...

Tim said...

Cyberpete - I think you'll be disappointed … it's lacking in the camp department. Very earnest and serious.

Ponita - Yep, everything's 100% better and less unnaturally tingly.

Dinah - Maybe you should post some naked Michael Landon pics!? And maybe I'll start getting some hits for repeatedly saying naked Michael Landon?

Tara - I thought it was important to establish the gentlemanly routine before plunging on with the story!

Inexplicable Device - Don't come any closer or I'll Tiger Balm your face!

CyberPete said...

That's like a gay crime or something. A movie with blue characters must have an abundance of males, singing and dancing. Or am I just holding out for a smurf movie?

Wv: worst

Tim said...

There is some swaying in it. Not quite dancing, but maybe it will suffice?

There's lots of loincloths too.

the projectivist said...

Oh Tim. TIM! There's nothing like a story about a seared penis to cheer me up. Thank you!

Interestingly, my phone's predictive txt does not recognise the word 'penis'. I've obviously not been using it properly.

Tim said...

Everyone loves a seared penis story! Even Hollywood 'star' Channing Tatum:

Now me and Channing have told our tales, expect all the A-listers to come out with penis-burning stories.

What does you predictive text predict instead?

CyberPete said...

I got G.I. Joe in the mail today (or I got an email saying it's on the way yesterday). I can't wait to see Channings seared penis.

As for Pandorian loin cloths I'm not really into that. It's really weird because there are all these polls about how sexy those blue people are. They all need haircuts, nose adjustments and such I say.

CyberPete said...

Oh, and they are CGI for gods sake! Get a life.

Tim said...

You bought G.I. Joe?! Jeebus, Pete.

The blue people can't have haircuts - there's a reason for their stupid hair. Watch the film and you'll find out. Or pass out. Either or.

the projectivist said...

It just can't handle the whole idea of the word PENIS. It either suggests REMIS or PEN? It's my own personal little thought police. Pens, good. PENIS, bad. Quite right too.

CyberPete said...

Are they Jewish? Isn't it Jewish kids that can't have their hair cut before a certain age? And what do they do about split ends then? It's all a great mystery and I must watch it.

I didn't buy G. I. Joe. I rented it. Considering making the watching of it into a sort of live blogging event like the Golden Globes

wordless words said...

ahhh so glad you wrote about this movie. i just saw it friday, and felt exactly like you did about it. i only wanted to see it because a guy i know was going on and on about how amazing it was, saying that it was BETTER than sex. i felt sorry for him after i finished with the movie. he needs a hooker or something. anyways, the movie was definitely not better than sex. maybe better than a peanut butter sandwich or maybe better than getting rained on or maybe better than cleaning up cat puke, but NOT better than sex. sigh, i want my $13 back and i do like 3-d movies, but having to layer a pair of glasses over a pair of glasses for 3 hours is not fun, especially when it didnt even seem 3-d most of the time, only some of the time.


Tim said...

Jeebus, I can think of *so* many things better than Avatar! I actually think I'd prefer getting rained on. Particularly if it's a warm day. Nothing like getting rained on to cool you down!

New strapline: Avatar - not quite as good as rain.