Shake it, shake it real good

When I moved into Sparky Towers lots of wonderful people bought me lots of wonderful things to make sure I could continue to live in the manner to which I was accustomed. And no that does not mean that Sparky Pa offered to send round Sparky Ma three days a week to do the dusting and hoovering. No, what it meant was that, for example, Big Bro bought me a super little heater that blasts volcanic heat throughout the house and keeps me warm in the chilly depths of winter (a good thing, because the guy next door bought the heaters installed in my house from the bitch who owned it previously just prior to her moving out), and a microwave in which I can cook Oats-so-Simple and nuke my undercrackers so they're nice and toasty on a cold morning.

In addition to this, based on an offhand comment made just before I moved that I would like to make my own smoothies, Yazzle Dazzle bought me a blender so that I could, well, make my own smoothies. I was chuffed to bits with it because it's chrome and awesome; so chuffed, in fact, that I stashed it under my breakfast bar and didn't take it out of the box for three years. 

In my defense it really is so much easier just to buy smoothies in the supermarket.

After sampling the delights of the biscuit/chocolate/anything-you-like-so-long-as-it-can-be-blended-based milkshakes on sale in Westfield, however, I decided yesterday that it was high-time to haul out the blender from beneath a pile of boxes, screw the smoothies, and make the milkshake to end all milkshakes!

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An aside:

I sneezed four times in a row at work today, prompting a colleague to say that a sneeze is apparently equivalent to one-tenth of an orgasm.

Depending on how you look at it, then, I either had a lucky escape or was cruelly robbed.

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In a rather fortuitous turn of events, I'd somehow already purchased the necessary ingredients to make the monster milkshake, and it was really just a matter of understanding how the blender worked that stood between me and a 4000-calorie beverage that could give an elephant an intense sugar-rush. Unfortunately, I'm a typical bloke and rather than just read the instructions beforehand in a calm and orderly fashion I decided instead that I could get by just by looking at the pictures and making the rest up as I went along. 

This ultimately ended up with milk and ice cream leaking out the bottom of the jug, down the chromey-side of the blender, and all over the work surface. This is why there are no pictures of the creation of the ultimate milkshake - my hands were covered in a sticky and somewhat unholy mixture of milk and ice cream. After tipping it all into a bowl and working out exactly how the various elements of the jug and blender went together without causing a sticky leak, however, everything turned out smashing.

Like Hannibal from The A-Team, I love it when a plan comes together.

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An aside:

I've already come to hate my little Nike+ Mini dude over there on the right. I did a truly awful run last night, and he's all like, "nothing comes between me and my running!" and "running gives me more energy than I know what to do with!" Patronising little bastard.

And I just know that I'm going to feel all guilty when he starts going "ooo, ready when you are!" if I don't do a run every couple of days or so.

I hate him more than you could ever know. I wonder if I can get one that just encourages me to sit on the sofa in my pants watching DVD boxsets?

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So, I expect you're wondering exactly how to make such an awe-inspiring, vomit-inducing beverage for yourself? It's pretty simple - here's how:

• Fill a glass approximately three-quarters full with milk. Any milk will do; I used semi-skimmed, but I'm betting full-fat would be the dog's danglies. 

Empty the milk into your blender.

• Dump two and a bit scoops of ice cream into the blender. I used a violently yellow type of vanilla here. Don't be shy - make them big scoops. This is, after all, the sort of thing that kids and old people are going to gasp in wonder at.

• Chuck three biscuits in. I used Cadbury Shortcakes, but I figure whatever takes your fancy, really. Tim Tams might be quite nice. Use something with raisins in if you want to go for the healthy option and include one of your five-a-day portions of fruit and veg.

• BLEND IT UNTIL IT WILL BLEND NO MORE!

• Pour it into a glass and enjoy. Maybe while close to a toilet or sink just in case you feel the urge to vomit. 

In conclusion, I must say my initial attempt was a valiant one, although perhaps not quite as great as it could have been. The reasons for this are threefold:

1. I didn't blend it quite enough and there were a few lumpy bits that gave it the consistency, in places, of sick. In future I will blend it a bit longer.

2. I think chocolate ice cream would've complemented the chocolate on the biscuits better than the vanilla did. It wasn't so much the flavour that was at fault, but rather the colour; it looked liked I'd rung the bile out of someone's liver into it. And then blended up Big Bird for good measure.

3. The half an hour it took to unpack and understand the workings of the blender far outweighed the 30 seconds of reasonable pleasure I received in drinking the finished product. As did the 10 minutes I had to spend washing the work-surface down and cleaning the blender. I anticipate these times will be slashed in the course of future attempts.

In summation, then, I'd give this first milkshake 7.5/10: a worthy, if somewhat flawed, attempt.