Saturday, December 27, 2008

It's not easy being green

Wasn't it Kermit that said that? Well, turns out he was wrong, the lying toad frog, as I discovered a few days ago.

One of the presents I bought Sparky Ma for Christmas, y'see, was a box of stuff from Lush (I know, you don't need to say it: I buy great presents), and as I hinted at waaaaaay back HERE, I got some freebies when I bought it. The freebies were a little bit of soap, some little sample pots of stuff, and a Santa-shaped bath bomb, and I kept them for myself because, well, I wanted them.

Anyway, one of the little sample pot thingys was a face mask. Now, I've never tried a face mask before, but all this cold weather has been wreaking havoc with my money-maker, and I'm up for trying most things once, so I thought I'd give it a whirl in the privacy of Sparky Towers. 

My hour-and-a-bit of man-pampering kicked off after I got in from a quality, coffee-fueled run Tuesday evening. I began by filling the bath, then standing back and hoofing the Santa bath bomb in like a grenade. Rather than explode and take out the tub and part of the wall, it just fizzed a bit, then turned the water an unexpected and somewhat alarming shade of yellow. It was a bit like a bath-sized Berocca, I s'pose.

Here's the little fella before detonation.

Look at that! How yellow is that?! It looks like someone had a massive bladder malfunction in my bath.

After glancing suspiciously at the yellow water I was about to climb into (but intrigued by the hints of cinnamon and chocolate it gave off), I picked up the little pot of green face mask gunk, looked at that a bit suspiciously as well, then shrugged my shoulders and rubbed it all over my face. Two minutes later I looked, quite frankly, a tad ridiculous, and very, very vibrantly green. Then I got in the bath, trying desperately to ignore the fact that I was reclining in warm yellow water and looked like one of the Poddington Peas.

So, anyway, half an hour later I'm lying there and I realise my face has gone rigid. I poke my eyebrow and it's all solid and crusty. I feel like I've been transformed into a monster or the Hulk or something. As a boy, I find the prospect of being transformed into a monster or the Hulk very exciting - certainly more so than being one of the Poddington Peas. 

Intrigued by my transformation and troubled by the fact that I was by this time sitting in luke-warm yellow water, I lifted myself out of the bath and looked in the mirror. I was awesomely green. I stood there staring at my greenness for a good few minutes, then decided that unless I was going to head out onto the streets of West London to scare some chavs and hoodies, I'd have to take it off sometime. Taking it off was, however, a little bit more troublesome than putting it on - mainly because washing crusty green stuff off my face was a new experience for me (unless you count the cleanup operation after that epic sneezing fit I had when I was seven).

Splashing water on my face didn't really do too much, aside from making me look a bit less like the Hulk, and a bit more like this, which is, y'know, pretty cool:

This of course led to another 10 minutes or so of me leering into the mirror and saying things like "kill … the Bat-man" Joker-stylee. Because, y'know, I'm a boy and that's what we do.

Eventually, however, I did manage to wash all the green stuff off. Well, most of the green stuff; I figure there's still some in my ears and up my nose, but I expect it's doing some good stuff in there. Because it totally did good stuff to the outside - my face is all smooth and clean and fresh! I'm not kidding - it's *amazing*! I'm totally gonna do it again if I get the chance (i.e. more freebies, I don't think I'd have the man-guts to go buy some), although I'd go for a less vibrant colour next time - maybe something in white so I could really go for that Joker look.

Anyway, I guess you're wondering if I took a picture fully Hulked-up. The answer is yes, but having reviewed it, there is no way I'm going to publish it on the interwebs. Mainly because I have a reasonably gormless look on my face as a result of my towel falling down at the very moment I took it. Seriously, I like to think that I'm an educated guy, but somewhere along the line I failed to learn how to wrap a towel around my waist so it doesn't fall down. Either that or Hollywood has lied to me; I'm pretty sure if I was in a movie where I just walked out of the shower with a towel wrapped round my waist and the scene called for me to walk up behind Kristen Kreuk or Autumn Reeser, kiss her on the cheek while she made me breakfast, and exchange some meaningful dialogue I wouldn't be able to do it without getting an erection my towel falling down. 

Where was I? Oh yeah, but to prove that I did Hulk-up, here's a tease.

Don't even try to argue - that's all you're getting.


CyberPete said...

Hah! I was going to say that it was totally gay. Then you geek up all Hulk'ish.

Love that you had so much fun with it. It's brilliant.

Wouldn't have minded seeing a bit more photographic evidence.

the projectivist said...

Good lord!! That bath water looked highly suspicious, Tim. I must say, if we didn't have the photographic evidence of that dodgy-looking Santa, i might have believed you were into golden showers. Or golden baths, in this case.

Tim, you make a spiffing Hulk. Next time, can you purchase enough to slather your whole, virile young body in green paste and sharing the images with us? In fact, it's probably on sale, pop down and get some now!

T-Bird said...

Mmm. Lush. We haz it here. I love it.

Ok, some follow up questions: did the masque wreak havock with your skin afterwards?

The green ones always make me break out for some reason, but then my skin is speshul. Also, did you apply to your decolletage (bad spelling alert)?

As for towels, hollywood lies. It lies with it's towels. Mine fall off all the time, and I mainly suspect it's because normal people don't have costume designers to double sided tape them to our fake tanned skin.

PS. You made me go and put my own dermalogica mask on. It's a gentle exfoliation one. I'm tingling.

Tim said...

Cyberpete - Yeah, I think it was a one-off thing; can't see that I'll Hulk-up too much in the future!

The Projectivist - Unless we're talking real gold that I can sell, definitely not!!

They were actually quite generous with the amount of green paste they gave me, but it definitely wasn't enough for a full-body mask. Should I complain?

T-Bird - Noooooo, my skin was awesome afterwards. In fact, I met up with Yazzle Dazzle the next day for coffee and she had to keep telling me to stop touching myself (on the face) because everything was so smooth and awesome!

Ha ha - there was no application below the jawline!!

Are you still tingling?

CyberPete said...

If you can get extra free stuff because of it, feel free to mention I spent £26 on their website because of you.

In case you do, please Hulk up.

Tara said...

You should try a warming face mask next time. Ohhh, it feels so nice and it makes the face all vibrant and fresh without any green, Hulk/Joker effects. Although I can totally understand how you'd be amused by looking like the Joker and having to quote him for ten minutes. I think I'd do the same.

Also with that soap bomb I'm surprised it didn't turn the water a Christmassy green instead of yellow. Oh well.

missy&chrissy. said...

isn't the hardening of the mask the craziest feeling? i always pretend that i'm turning into a statue (although turning in to the Hulk is infinitely cooler!) - probably because i've never tried a green mask. that'll have to be for next time.

and i am SO distressed that my childhood tv watching could not include the Poddington Peas!! they look like a fun bunch.

Tim said...

Cyberpete - Funnily enough, I don't think their offers work that way…

Tara - I'm not sure I like the idea of a warming one. It sounds a bit like rubbing Deep Heat all over your face, and that could be a bit disconcerting! That said, if they were to give me a warm freebie, I'd give it a go.

Missy&Chrissy - It's awesome, isn't it? I kept poking myself in the eyebrow because it was solid and statuesque! And don't get too disheartened - the Poddington Peas weren't all that great. The Munch Bunch on the other hand…

BEAST said...

I'm up for trying most things once
Oh Tim thats just asking for trouble from IVD , he has probably passed out with excitement

Inexplicable DeVice said...

* revives from swoon *

I'm ready when you are, Tim!

I hope you had a smashing Christmas?

You know my email address, so email the fully Hulked-up pics at your earliest convenience. I'm just going to imagine you barely towelled, in the mean time.

* passes out again *

Tim said...

Beast - There are exceptions to the rule, but you make a valid point. I shall go and amend that li-

Inexplicable Device - OH GOOD GOD NO!