Monday, October 26, 2009

Meet Fred

Longtime readers will know that I do love a trip to IKEA; easy to assemble furniture, cheap and colourful teeny tiny tables, chairs pulled straight out of the Seven Dwarves' house, and the opportunity to arrange stuffed toys in filthy poses - quite frankly it's like I died and went to Sweden.

And just the other week I seized the opportunity to go again - good times!

So, the reasoning here, like I EVER need a reason to go to IKEA, was that I wanted a new LACK table. No, before you even think about suggesting it, I have not worn the little red LACK out through too much LACK love - although now they've knocked it down to a bargain £4.99, I was sorely tempted to get a couple more (a bit like Pokemon, maybe I 'gotta have 'em all'); instead, I wanted one of the classy new wood effect ones for my bedroom.

Since I started living at Sparky Towers y'see (actually four years ago last week since I bought the place!) I've been using a comics long box as a bedside table. I left my books on it. I left my alarm clock on it. I left my iPhone on it, and it was one horrifically early morning when I failed to reach over to turn my iPhone alarm off and it vibrated across the box and onto the (fortunately carpeted) floor that I decided I really should invest in a proper bedside table.

And so IKEA called to me, and I called to Best Mate Jo to accompany me.

To be honest, I totally picked the wrong night to go because it was Divali and Wembley was jam-packed with people celebrating. It took ages to get to IKEA, and then when we got there we were dismayed to find that loads of people were parking in the car park then wandering off to celebrate somewhere. Eventually we got a space, though, and the IKEA-fest could begin.

The first thing I saw was a limited edition bookshelf that looked like it had been graffiti'd with quotes from Shakespeare.

It was only 39 quid, and I desperately wanted one. Unfortunately, I couldn't for the life of me think of anywhere in Sparky Towers where I could actually put it, so just looked at it longingly, before Jo managed to tear me away.

Next, I got a little bit obsessed with a plush shark from IKEA's range of terrifying children's toys, but Jo made me put that back as well.

Elsewhere, it looked like IKEA was branching out into publishing with a book that, without actually taking a look inside, I can only guess is a guide to auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Antique-stained Bumerangs? ACK! TOO. MANY. JOKES.

I really liked this light, but again I didn't have a clue where I might actually put it. There was something slightly hypnotic about it, and I'm pretty sure I stood there staring at it for about 10 minutes before Jo managed to tempt me away with the promise of some terrifying plush shark action. It looked like a visual effect from Star Trek (the light, not the shark).

All in all, then, it was a pretty good expedition. I got my new LACK, which is great even if the wood-effect ones are still priced at £7.99 (outrageous), as well as three tiny cacti which have replaced the ones that I killed died in my little Mexican-themed earthenware pots.

Purchase of the night, though, has to have been Fred, a large houseplant I decided to buy. I don't know why I ended up calling it Fred, but the name has stuck, so Fred it is.

Although in hindsight, it does look quite a lot like Sideshow Bob from The Simpsons. Anyone care for a wager as to how long it'll take Fred to drop dead under my care?


Ponita in Real Life said...

That light looks rather like a jellyfish, doesn't it?

Fred, poor thing... will he make it to Christmas? Is he some kind of palm?

We are supposed to be getting an Ikea here in Winterpeg, Windypeg, Whateverpeg... in 2012, I believe was the date thrown out in the media. I'm keeping my fingers crossed! The nearest one is 1500 kms away. :-(

Tara said...

You were right to want the bookshelf with the Shakespeare quotes and the plush shark. Especially the plush shark, I love that thing!

Happiness is arranging toys in filthy poses.

Is Joe your Jimminy Cricket/conscience person when shopping? I wonder how much you'd spend if she wasn't there. Scary. :)

Tim said...

Ponita - It does a bit, doesn't it? I'm not sure I'd be able to relax with a jellyfish dangling above me…

I don't know what Fred is … he's kind of leafy and … wood-like. I'll check and get back to ya!

(How do you cope without an IKEA?!)

Tara - Jo!? My conscience?! HA! No way!! She gets bored of me procrastinating about whether I'm going to buy something so just tells me to shut up and buy it so we can go.

Tara said...

Eek, I'm sorry I misspelled her name! Sorry Jo!

We don't have an Ikea around here either. The last one I was in was in either Texas or Arizona and it was fabulous. There was a mariachi band playing inside too.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

You realise that my offer to look after your (probably) now dead cacti, also applies to Fred. Although, he looks quite hardy, so maybe I'd only have to stay once a fortnight...?

Tim said...

Tara - Oh no … y'know she'll hunt you down now, don't you?

Heh heh, just kidding.

No, really.



Inexplicable Device - The cacti all died. You FAILED epically. I'm not going to entrust Fred to you now!

the projectivist said...

i share your ikea fetish Tim.
i have my eye on the malm occasional table in red. high gloss red. i'm not sure what for, i just know that my life would be better if i had it.

waaaaaaay better.
ikea. ahhhh how i love thee.

i think you need another trip up, but this time without the warnings of Jo The Anti Ikeanite. and then you can nab that bookcase. i don't know what you'll do with it, i only know that your happiness levels shall be trebled once you own it.

the projectivist said...

oh yeah - i'm giving Fred until hmmm..... December 22nd. by then the central heating should have started to work its effects.

Tim said...

The Projectivist - Oh god, no, Jo's *SO* not an anti-Ikeanite - she's got more IKEA stuff than I have, and also wanted the Shakespeare shelves. In fact, she was looking at lots of shelves that day. And a wine glass I could get my head in.

As for Fred, well, I don't have central heating so he could cling on a little longer! Which reminds me, I really should water him…

BEAST said...

Thats all I have to say . There is a new one just opened up in Southhampton and the evil god of shopping posted an Ikea catalog through my letterbox recently to try and lure me over there........I agree with the others , buy the shelves , you know it will make you delirious with happiness

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I didn't fail. If you'd have let me in instead of banishing me, I would have nurtured those little cacti as if they were my very own (in between nuturing you, of course).

Tim said...

Beast - Who DOESN'T love IKEA? I think you should go and christen the new one, and buy the shelves yourself!

Inexplicable Device - I've read the synopsis to Let The Right One In, and you're not the right one.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Bwah hah hah! I've just seen that I left out the first r in the second 'nurturing'. I certainly don't want you nutered. Or should that be neutered?

Tim said...

Either way, you're not doing it!