Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I cried myself to sleep last night

OK, before I start this isn't an attempt to get everyone to feel sorry for me. It's not that kind of post - it's just a 'this is where my mind's at' sorta thing.

So I feel like I'm in a bit of a rut. There's not necessarily one particular reason for this - more the cumulative effect of several things. My cold is probably one; where I'd normally be out at running club tonight feeling fit and energetic, I'm instead at holed up in Sparky Towers where the only thing running is my nose. What else? I think I'm a bit bored at work (which, admittedly, happens now and again), and I think I'm in one of those sort of moods where I'm inclined to make excuses not to do things whereas I'd normally shout "yay!" and scamper off ready for excitement and adventure. Well, not adventure in the grandest sense of the word, but you get the gist of it. I think there's a general sense of melancholy hanging around me at the moment.

I'm fed up arguing with people over the slightest little things. I'm fed up with people trying to put things on me, or get me involved in things I don't particularly want to do. Have I perfected the art of feigned interest? Perhaps. Maybe a little too well, in fact. I'm fed up with people who act selfishly towards others, and by the fact that I've come to the conclusion that a significant proportion of people I deal with on any given day are self-serving morons whose only way of making themselves look good is to step on everyone around them. And somehow they always seem to get away with it. Should I do that? Is that genuinely the way to be noticed - to make an impression? Be a total arse? I can't believe that – I won't.

Don't start prescribing the prozac just yet - this happens to me every now and then. It's not depression, nowhere near that, in fact (to call it that would be offensive to the people who really do suffer from it), and for all I know I might be perfectly cool tomorrow. At the moment, though, I just want to curl up on the sofa and ignore the outside world. 

I had dinner with Sparky Nan tonight and afterwards I sat down to watch the telly with her for a while. On one of the chairs was a photo album, and I started glancing through it. It was full of pictures from many years ago - a lot of me as a baby and a toddler. And there were a lot of pictures of us together as a family - all of us, I mean; me, Big Bro, Sparky Ma and Pa, and my grandparents on both sides. There were eight of us then, and there's just five of us now, and that kind of gets to me a bit. I don't think I've seen a photo of Dad's parents in a long while now, but seeing them there in those tiny faded images - they were exactly as I remember them in my mind's eye. My grandad in particular - he did not change one bit from when those photos were taken in the late 70s to when I saw him that last time at the very end of '99. 

I often wonder what they'd make of me now - my Nan and Grandad on Dad's side. I hope they'd like the sort of person I've become. I hope they'd approve of the choices I've made in my life. I'm pretty sure my Nan would let me know if she didn't, because she was a cheeky bugger. 

Around this time last year we were getting ready to celebrate one of the happiest occasions I can remember in a long time - Sparky Nan and Grandad's 60th Wedding Anniversary. Sixty years! I can barely deal in 60 minutes let alone 60 years. But everything's changed this year, and I'm not afraid to say that it's been tough. I think of my Grandad every day.

Maybe it's the looming winter that's affecting my mood? I usually like the colder months, but this year just seems a bit darker than previous ones, and I can't say I shall be terribly sorry to see it pass.

*sigh*


(Oh, and by the way, I didn't actually cry myself to sleep last night - it's a line from a Sufjan Stevens song I was listening to while driving home and it just sort of seemed appropriate)

21 comments:

Dinah said...

Without knowing your grandparents, I can't say for sure, but I think they would love and respect the type of adult you've become.

My grandparents' 60th anniversary is in October, and it's so hard to even think of that.

I'd say "First, bitches" but I'm afraid that would ruin the mood.

Tim said...

Of course it wouldn't - it'll help lighten my mood, and I do love a good "FIRST, BITCHES!"

Do it quick before someone else sneaks in!

T-Bird said...

Well, you were writing from the heart. Sufjan would approve. I know I do.

Dude, all those reasons are very good reasons for you to be feeling a little bit low. It's that time of year for you, isn't it? Birthday, anniversaries... it all makes you think and take stock.

I wish there was something we could say or do that would make you feel better: in fact I think Dinah already did. Your grandparents would be so proud of you. Man, you've got me all teary thinking about mine now.

Hugs, dude. And snaps for your superior taste in music. I'm going to pull out my Sufjan stuff now. You're a dude, don't forget it!

Tara said...

All I can say to provide any comfort from across the seas is that we've all been there. That point when everything comes to a peak and the feelings (sadness, regret, happiness, slap happiness), although brief, slaps you in the face and the gut. You don't have to blame the weather, moods aren't as seasonably particular as we might think.

You know you can vent or "cry" here. As an ad says for a hotel, "We'll leave the light on for ya." :)

Dinah said...

Fifth, Bitches.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I am overcome with the urge to give you a big non-lecherous Man Hug.

Your low mood just shows that you're one of the good ones, not a self serving arse. Unfortunately, that appears to be the downside of caring about non-material things.

Ah, what the hells:

((((HUG))))

Tim said...

T-Bird - Cheers dude! It's funny how music can suit a particular mood, isn't it? I'm feeling particularly Sufjan at the moment.

Tara - Bless ya! It's funny how things can just come together at the same time and make you want to sigh - and then other things can just brighten your day with a *snaps*.

"We'll leave the light on for ya?" That sounds like a Guillemots song!

Dinah - That's what I'm talking about!

Inexplicable Device - And just this once I'll let you!

CyberPete said...

Be careful, I'm sure he's a groper!

I think it's always tough this time of year. On top of that, getting sick is just another layer on the cake. We love our cake.

It too shall pass, I'm sure.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

* hugs a little longer than common decency allows, but not so much as to push luck *

Anonymous said...

Tim, You are Amazing. Nuff said.

Having been there through it all (dont worry im not about to burst into a well known and well hated by you Robbie song)Your Sparky Grandparents would be well chuffed with the well balanced man you have become - you known I say that with experience cos of my fuckhead friends!

Love ya, man. Your da bestest xxx

Tim said...

Cyberpete - He is? HE IS!

Inexplicable Device - That's enough, thank you. Erm, THANK YOU?

Anonymous - Bless you, you mysterious stranger!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Enough? Really?


You're sure, now?


Positive?

CyberPete said...

See!

I knew he was a groper. I don't mind it if said groper is cute, not too old and male.

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - In polite society about three seconds is sufficient.

You've been hanging on for about 24 hours now.

Cyberpete - You can take him! He's like a parasite!

CyberPete said...

I said not too old.

He is too old, isn't he?

OddThomas said...

I know I don't comment all that often but your posts keep me propped up at work and from everything I've seen, I can only echo what everyone else has already said: you're one of the good guys and I'm sure your grandparents would be proud of you.

Chin up!

* I was gonna 'Dude' then, but I don't do Dudes!

Dinah said...

Duuuuude.

17th, bitches.

missy&chrissy. said...

goodness, i've been in the exact same mood lately! especially towards work and those self-serving morons you speak of.

i hope it is the looming winter too.

Tim said...

Cyberpete - He's, like, *ancient.*

Oddthomas - Cheers, um, dude! (Sorry, I do!)

Dinah - Oh, snaps!

Missy&Chrissy - It's a transatlantic psychic-link thing! We should name an upcoming day as international 'kick morons day' - then kick ourselves some morons!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I may be a smidgen older than you, but I'm certainly not Beverly-Crusher-Ancient!

missy&chrissy. said...

good idea - i think october 14th seems like a nice day for that holiday!