Thursday, September 25, 2008


As I mentioned in my last post, I decided that after several weeks of getting up waaaaay later than I should do for work, action needed to be taken by changing the alarm ringtone on my iPhone to the one that makes it sound like I'm under attack.

So I did, and by god it worked. 

No word of a lie, Monday morning when that thing went off at 6:00 AM I leapt several feet into the air, arms and legs waving around like mad things. And by 6:15 I was washed, dressed, and ready for the day ahead. Of course, 6:15 is a ridiculously early time to actually be going to work, so I chilled out with a cup of tea and spent 40 minutes or so on my computer. When I did leave for work at about 7:00 AM the traffic was so light that I was sitting in the office with another cup of tea by eight, and wondering why our new, middle-aged cleaner was blowing me kisses as she left.


Anyway, I've realised that the time between the alarm going off and me actually having to leave for the day is quite a useful bit of time. This morning, for example, I watched an episode of The OC, which put me in a sterling mood for the day ahead. I'm thinking that next week I could even try - prepare yourself for this revolutionary idea - going for an early morning run. Although to be honest I doubt that'll actually happen as I'd probably have to pass on my cuppa. 

All-in-all, then, it's been a cracking experiment so far. I'm thinking I might have to consider changing the alarm tone again at some point in the future, though; I don't want it to become so familiar that I adapt to it, y'see. For the meantime, though, 'Alarm' works perfectly, and is staying.


I went to Sainsburys on the way home last night. Didn't have too much to get, but somehow ended up spending £75 on a variety of cakes, biscuits, puddings, and - get this! - limited edition snowflake-shaped Ritz crackers! Yay - Christmas is here!!

No, seriously, Christmas IS here - I also bought some mini chocolate marshmallows in a tub which has a big picture of Rudolph the Reindeer on.


Anyway, as I was walking out and wondering how exactly I'd spent £75 on a variety of cakes, biscuits, puddings, and limited edition snowflake-shaped Ritz crackers, I caught a glimpse of a magazine cover with a massive headline that read:


Now, I do actually quite like Twiggy, despite her being a bit patronising and shouty when she presented This Morning a few years back, but there's only one secret that I can imagine helps out with her beauty regime, and I'm going to reveal it here: PhotoShop.

Seriously, I know she's looking very good for her age, but you don't look as smooth and new as this without a little bit of digital manipulation. Unless you've been chowing down on foetuses. And just to prove it, I'm going to demonstrate for you how digital manipulation can make any picture look wonderful.

Let's start with a random, untouched image of yours truly.

Oh crumbs, looking a little bit frowny there, eh? Not going to make it into the latest copy of the Littlewoods catalogue with that expression, are we?

OK, let's start by cropping in a bit and lightening things up a tad.

That's a bit better. Now let's use the wonders of technology to take off a few years and make me look younger.

Ta-daaaa! See how easy that was? With just a few clicks of a computer mouse I've made some subtle changes to the image. An untrained eye wouldn't even be able to tell that the picture's been manipulated - but the end result is well worth it.

If anyone would like me to digitally enhance their assets (snigger) send me a picture and I'll see what I can do. That includes you, Twiggy.


When I had a sore throat earlier this year, Barista dude in Secret Starbucks made me a honey and milk concoction that he promised would make it better. I'm not entirely certain it did anything, but it tasted nice. So, while I was in Sainsburys last night (spending £75 on a variety of cakes, biscuits, puddings, and limited edition snowflake-shaped Ritz crackers), I decided that as it's getting colder, I should pick up some honey just in case I get a sore throat at some point. So I did. And lo and behold, I woke up this morning with a sore throat.

What's that all about?

So, annoyingly, while I had planned to go swimming tonight I'm now staying home with a gnarly throat. On the plus side… 

Honey and milk + Gilmore Girls + The OC on DVD = awesome night in.

Rock on.


CyberPete said...

I hope you feel better soon!

I spent £95 on food and a variety of chocolate, ice cream, Champagne and biscuits today.

Hoping I'll get season 4 of Desperate Housewives in the mail tomorrow. That would make for an awesome weekend.

Rock on, indeed.

CyberPete said...

Oh and first!

In your face BITCHES!


Inexplicable DeVice said...

Aaaarrgh! After hearing your alarming alarm, I was filled with the desire to fling myself out of bed and get ready for work. Now I'm all confused.
Early morning really is a great time to get things done (Shit! Sounding a bit like Delores from Dead Like Me).

* aghast at cakes, biscuits, puddings, and limited edition snowflake-shaped Ritz crackers spendage *

That first pic of you looks like you're having a poo. Please don't post any more like that.

Oh, and I hope your throat gets better soon.

* still aghast *

WillowC said...

Oh dear, I think that might be my fault, I've got one too...

A sore throat, not a reindeer biscuit.

Tim said...

Cyberpete - Oh good, knowing that I'm not the only one who spends loads of money on cakes 'n stuff makes me feel better!

Whoa! Damn right you're first!

Inexplicable Device - What were you doing in bed? Slacker!

I was not having a poo, I was looking disgruntled. Rude.

Willowc - Don't worry, the office was empty today from people being off sick. You're evidently one of many I can blame.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I wasn't in bed, I just thought I was for a split second. Duh!

Tim said...

Well you didn't make that very clear in your comment.

Please comment more clearly in future so as not to cause confusion.

CyberPete said...

Well I did shop for my twentytenth birthday which I'm spending by myself, curtains drawn, phone turned off, DVDs playing and chocolate biscuits.

skillz said...

Man that alarm is very alarming. Maybe you should change your alarm to something that's alarming but a lot less alarming than your current alarm?

My suggestion:

The Alarm - Strength

Dinah said...

That sounds like an awesome night in. I can't WAIT for Christmas.

T-Bird said...

That's one awesome alarm.

Tara said...

Oh man. Your alarm sounds like mine, and I don't even have a sparkling IPhone! I'll have to program something so that it sounds like my mom's voice saying, "Tara! Get up, you're late!!" And that'll work. The DJs on my favorite station have been doing a radiothon for the childrens' hospital all this week. Nothing more depressing than waking up to hear stories of kids winding in the hospital. Luckily this week and this year I do not listen to it. Too heartbreaking. And definitely not motivational.

Tim said...

Cyberpete - I don't know whether that's cool or sad… I'm going to go with cool, actually.

Happy Birthday in anticipation!

Skillz - Are you saying I should disarm my alarm? What an alarming thought!

Dinah - Throw in South Park's Imaginationland Part II and it was!

T-Bird - Whoop whoop! Damn right it is!!

Tara - Whoa! A 'mum-voiced' alarm clock is a cracking idea! You should patent that!

CyberPete said...

Me too. I don't want it to be sad. I just don't like the idea of turning 30 and having an audience is out of the question.

By the way, the Alarm was my alarm too. It scared the bejesus out of me one too many times. To the point where I almost got a nervous breakdown one morning.

It's evil, EVIL I say!

T-Bird said...

That alarm is a whore and I love it!

Dinah said...

All you need is Patrick Stewart's voice saying "Red Alert!" and you'd be set.

Tim said...

Cyberpete - It's only a number! Don't worry about it!! I mean, IDV is 42, and you don't hear him complaining about it.

T-Bird - A whorish alarm?! I love the sound of that!!

Dinah - Can't it be Shatner? I'm more of an original series fan myself…

Dinah said...

Of course. My thoughts go to TNG more quickly, but any star trek captain will do. Not that they're interchangeable of course. Or maybe you could get the Shat saying "Denny Crane!" over the alarm.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Yeah, there's a reason why I don't complain about being 42 - Because it'll be another 9 years before I'm that age!!

I mean, another, ummm... 15 years. Yes. That's right. 15.

Tim said...

Dinah - Maybe he could alternate between "DENNY CRANE!" and "CAPTAIN KIRK!" just to keep things fresh?

Inexplicable Device - I think someone needs me to do some photoshopping.

CyberPete said...

I know. Must be tragic being IDVs age.

His life is practically over.

Still it's a bit of a bother. It looks bad on paper.

Dinah said...

I'll be 42 in 18 years. That's another whole legal person!