Sunday, August 03, 2008

The Martians cometh

Jo and I went shopping to Woking today. Why Woking, you may ask. It's a good question, I'll grant you that. And the answer is because it's somewhere a bit different than our usual haunts. Variety being the spice of life, and all that.

It was all a bit shocking at first, because Jo immediately dragged me into a load of girly shops and started spending money like there was no tomorrow. I've not seen her like that before. She was like a woman possessed. I had to dissuade her from buying a revolting dress that even she acknowledged was revolting. 

I needed a coffee just to calm things down a bit. 

I soon hit my stride, though. I've recently rediscovered Topman, and there was a pretty decently-sized Topman hidden away in one of the shopping malls. And goddamn did I get my own back. I ended up going into a changing room carrying two t-shirts and three pairs of jeans, one of which was a skinny pair that Jo convinced me to try on. They actually fitted OK, and didn't look like they'd been painted on, but they had weird zippy pockets which went against the classic jeans-look I was after. Another pair was massively and unnecessarily-flared, so they went back on the shelf straight away. Fortunately pair number three was awesome-personified; a straight-fit pair that will go with my new posh shoes really well. 

As for the t-shirts, I ended up buying one - an extra-deep vee-necked affair that cost six quid and shows off my man-baps like nothing else in my wardrobe. We actually debated whether it was wise to show of that much chest, but for six quid it's no real loss if I end up using it as a duster. 

Jo was also on the lookout for man-jewelry for me. Not big diamond rings or chavvy stuff like that, more like bohemian-style wrist accoutrements. I quite like the idea, but I'd really need to find something I like before I bought anything - even if they were less than a fiver. Our conversation also strayed onto the topic of guyliner at one point, but I ain't going there unless someone stumps up some serious cash, even if it will accentuate the bottomless depths of my lovely eyes.

All in all, then, a rather successful afternoon. And look - the jeans and shoes are an awesome match!


Shopping's not all we did in Woking, though. We avoided being enslaved by Martian invaders.

This is where they landed. Look what they did to the brickwork. That's just rude.

The Martians are coming - RUUUUUUUUN! Where's Tom Cruise when you need him!?

Ha ha. Just kidding, like I'd need Tom Cruise. But no, really, all this Martian stuff is set up in the high street because Woking is a key location in the Martian attack in H.G. Wells' The War of the Worlds. In fact, one of the reasons I love that book so much is that a lot of the action takes place in locations I know really well. I'd be well set if they actually did invade. With my deep-vee t-shirt, new jeans and posh shoes I'm pretty certain I'd simply dazzle the Martians with my on-trend fashion sense and sexy moves.


CyberPete said...

I love the jeans and shoe combo.

You have to consider your choice of man jewellery very well. I think with the slutty t-shirt you bought you need to get a Dolce Gabbana crucifix with the prayer beads. Much like the Beckham wore.

Also, you know the rubber wristband thing may be a bad idea. They look a bit like cockrings and if you wear cockrings around your right (I think, otherwise it's the other way around) wrist you signal that you are a bottom, and the other is a top.

Just something to take into consideration.

Inexplicable DeVice said...


* snigger *

You can wear as much cheap tat as you like from in there, but it won't make you 18 again.
Although, having said that, the jeans do look quite good. Even if when I clicked to make the picture bigger, your crotch was practically in my face.
Which I'm not complaining about, naturally.

I'd heard about the tripod thing in Woking - So that's what it looks like. Cool!

T-Bird said...

The jeans are quite nice!

Don't. Do. Guyliner.

Also, a sensible compromise between man jewellry and function are one of those awesome chunky watches on a leather band. It looks cool and it's a watch.

I know they are probably so five minutes ago, but you can still get some pretty nice ones.

Oh, and I am going to get all Trinny and Susannah and say necklaces are not neccessary with V-necks that deep. Collar bones should be unobstructed. As well as baps.

Take it from a seasoned V-neck wearer, dude. Baps away!

Tim said...

Cyberpete - I love the jeans/shoe combo too! Just need an excuse to wear it out now!

Re. wristbands: WTF?! Really!? How the hell are unsuspecting young men supposed to don proper attire when there's like a secret handbook of sexual connotations?! I don't think I'll be buying wristbands now.

I'm not sure I could carry off the beads and crucifix look. Does that have a hidden meaning too? I don't want to end up in an unexpected and alarming situation.

I do like that my new t-shirt is now referred to as "slutty." I don't own enough slutty clothes.

Inexplicable Device - I'll have you know they've got some quality stuff in there at the moment! Of course, there's no neon clothes with bacofoil detailing, so it might not be *your* thing.

Stop zooming in on my crotch or I'll take the picture down.

T-Bird - Don't worry dude, guyliner is a strict no-no for me.

I actually already have one of those watches! I got it a few years back and was *massively* undercharged by the unwitting (trainee) cashier. I literally ran out of that shop and didn't go back for several weeks. The battery's run out now though.

I think a necklace would piss me off after a while. Unless it was a light surfer style one. I shall consult my style guru Jo.

Tara said...

Nice silver-black gummy bracelets! I almost bought girly gummy bracelets for my friend's wedding, but I wanted bangles that made noise. A fine jeans purchase too!

If Martians are gonna land on this Earth, they need to stop making so many dents in our sidewalks and streets. We have enough potholes.

Tim said...

Tara - I don't think I'll be buying gummy bracelets after Cyberpete's comment…

And yes, bad Martians! Very bad Martians indeed! i hope they repair that before heading home…

T-Bird said...

Hmm. I had no idea bracelets were such a covert mating ritual, Pete.

I consider myself edumacated!

Anonymous said...

Dude.. your friendly bad dress loving consultant here. Big no no on necklaces and V-Necks, It just doesnt work!
Some wrist attire is ok, needs to be chosen carefully thou!

And I dare you to do the guyliner!!


CyberPete said...

I am a wealth of knowledge, apparently. I thought everyone knew, especially since you all know the term "rough trade" (which I'd never heard before in my life).

I realise you like that I called your t-shirt slutty. That's brilliant and all, but actually it wasn't meant in a flattering way. Now you realise, I can't date you. Ever. Because I could never date a guy who shows more cleavage than Pamela Anderson.

CyberPete said...

T-Birdy: How about that!

I guess you learn something new every day.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I wasn't zooming in on your crotch - It just happened to be right there in front of me when I clicked. You shouldn't have such a noticeable crotch, that's all.

I double-dare you to do the guyliner - Let's see Emo Tim!

Tim said...

T-Bird - Me neither!

Anonymous Jo - I trust your fashion instincts even if that vile dress did make me a little bit sick in my mouth. I think I'd get a bit pissed off with a long dangly crucifix round my neck, so don't worry about that. We might have to consider something, though. Not guyliner, I hasten to add.

Cyberpete - Rough trade? WTF?!? Sorry you don't like the t-shirt (not that you've actually seen it, mind). It doesn't actually show off that much man-tit, but if you can't bear it, then alas it can truly never be. Oh well.

Inexplicable Device - NO. WAY.

(stop staring at my crotch!)

CyberPete said...

Don't be all broken up about it.

You poor dear!

I never said the t-shirt was rough trade. It isn't. It's just a tiny bit too metrosexual. Sure I haven't seen it on, but I hope you'll show it off to prove me wrong.

Oh by the way, I've read somewhere that you make ringtones in iTunes and that it costs money. Could you make a tutorial about that please?

Maybe you could wear the t-shirt?

Tim said...

I'll manage, Pete. Somehow I'll manage.

I just googled rough trade. Holy f*^k.I though it was just a record shop.

Now, despite the fact that you think my t-shirt is metrosexual, I'd love to help you with your ringtone dilemma. I've heard of that paying thing, but I know nothing about it. That's going to have to be one for google, I'm afraid!

CyberPete said...

Can't wait to see what you come up with.

Sorry about the t-shirt comments but I saw William Baker in one and that was enough to put me off them.

Plus the guys who wear them here are those slick oily guys.

T-Bird said...

*sigh* You people do realise these shirts are also made to wear an undershirt inside of it?

Tim said...

Cyberpete - I had to google William Baker too. Why are you making me google lots of things at the moment?

I'm not slick and oily, you'll be pleased to know.

T-Bird - Screw that - I'm gettin' 'em out!

CyberPete said...

I apologise for my negativity.

Was surprised to learn you had to google rough trade.

Not so surprised to learn you had to google William Baker though. He's a celebrity leach.

Tim said...

What can I say? I'm waaaaay more naive than I thought I was.

watch*paint*dry said...

I swear I had left a comment here. Oh well.
It was something like:
Gummy bangles-bad v Prince William

And step the hell away from the eyeliner!

CyberPete said...

I know Tim, you and me both.

WPD: Prince William is a bottom?

Tim said...

Watch*Paint*Dry - Don't worry, I'm off the gummy bangle idea now. And I was NEVER on the guyliner idea.

Cyberpete - We're like two little innocent lambs.

T-Bird said...

I would imagine Will would be a top, actually. I can't really see him being a bottom.

Unless it's some kinky royal thing.

Tim said...

I can't say I'd really given it much thought…

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Harry's definitely a top.

Anyway, less of that and more of you in the slutty T-shirt, please.

CyberPete said...

So Harry is the bottom then?

Yes indeed we are Tim, innocent little lambs

Tim said...

*sigh* When did this blog turn into a gossip board for the sexual shenanigans of the Royal family, and requests for me to dress sluttily?

T-Bird said...

Erm... this isn't a


Tim said...

Um, no?

CyberPete said...

Well with all the talk of the royals doing dirty things and you being slutty you'll get more interesting visitors than us.

Tim said...

Worryingly, yes…