Thursday, November 15, 2007

Chicken lover

So I was in KFC in Hammersmith the other night - and let's get this straight, I have nothing against junk food; I love a KFC or a Maccy-D's every now and then. And anyone who tells you any different is lying. It's like devil food - soooooooo good, even though you know it's either a) melting you from the inside out, or b) not really chicken. Anyway, I was in KFC, chowing down on a five-piece crispy strips meal, when I started glancing around the restau- OK, wait, I know I just said I love KFC, but I really don't think they should call themselves 'restaurants' - not unless they've got a waiter in a bow-tie serving me; venue? Service station? Outpost?

I was glancing around the KFC outpost, mainly because some chav-wench was shouting at the counter staff about her coleslaw and I wanted to act all nonchalant in case her boyfriend started happy-slapping the teenage dude putting Vienetta's in the fridge, when I noticed the photographs on the walls. Now, I've been in this KFC many times over the last few years, and while I've seen the pictures on the wall, I've not actually looked at them. On this occasion I did.

And they are VERY WEIRD.

Basically, they're a series of studio photographs in artsy black-and-white of young kids who have evidently fallen into a temporal vortex that has transported them back to the 1980s; they're all bouffant hair and dungarees. What's really strange, though, is that they're all clutching pieces of chicken like their lives depended on it. One little girl was clasping a drumstick to her chest, and I just wanted to shout out "oh Stephanie*, do put the drumstick down - you'll get chicken grease on your little gingham dress!"

Fortunately I chose not to say that, mainly because I didn't want to distract the chavs from their coleslaw-enraged discussion. Instead I finished my meal, emptied my rubbish in the bin, shook my head wearily at the site of what looked like a young Will Smith circa 1991 leading a group of pre-teens in a chicken-based adventure, and left.


*Stephanie is my favourite stereotypical name from the 80s due in part to its outstanding use in the classic Steve Guttenberg/Ally Sheedy movie Short Circuit. Incidentally, good grief - I just looked at her imdb page - how the mighty have fallen! 'Unnamed NY Ticket Agent' in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York? The Red Shoe Diaries 4: Auto Erotica?! Disassemble Stephanie!

11 comments:

WillowC said...

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to return to the KFC and bring back photomagraphical evidence of the...uh...photomagraphicals.

You will then immediately self-destruct due to a not-really-chicken-related internal combustion incident.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

No, really. You're straight? And these are your words: I just wanted to shout out "oh Stephanie, do put the drumstick down - you'll get chicken grease on your little gingham dress!"

Did you also clasp your hands to your bosom and look anguished?

Tara said...

"The Red Shoe Diaries 4: Auto Erotica" Stephanie no doubt showed some other character her "software" in that one. Poor Ally.

How were the crispy strips?

T-Bird said...

Happy belated birthday!!

How does it feel to be old? Do you feel more mature or something?

Tim said...

Willowc - I was thinking about taking some, but was worried I might look like a weirdo taking pics of children on the wall in KFC.

Inexplicable Device - It's one of my two annual uses of camp; the first was in May when I said "fabulous!" and threw my hands in the air.

Tara - I know, pity poor Ally! The crispy strips were luuuurvely!

T-Bird - Thank yee, thank yee! Thirty has been awesome-oh so far! In fact, I feel more juvenile than I did aged 29!

Dinah said...

Agreed, Stephanie is a great 80s name.

I've been watching a lot of Fresh Prince reruns, and I cannot believe that some of the stuff Will Smith wears was actually cool at the time. But it must have been - because TV doesn't lie!

Tim said...

TV DOESN'T lie! We should all be dressing in colourful knitwear and parachute pants!

skillz said...

I've got The Red Shoe Diaries 4: Auto Erotica on DVD, I won't give away the ending for those who haven't seen it but there's a twist at the end that makes The Usual Suspects and Sixth Sense look as predictable as the Police Academy movies (boxsets of which, I again, own).

Tim said...

I bet it's a really complex storyline full of mystery and intrigue, eh? Next time I have a DVD evening, you and your film are invited!

iPandah said...

I've only been in a KFC once. Ming was teaching me about fast food and we had to go to one. I was served by a dwarf with a cleft lip and milk bottle glasses. She was so rough that I couldn't understand her, and because I have a posh accent, she couldn't understand me. It made for a terrible mess of an order, and the experience scarred me. Luckily, I found McDonald's to be alright, and Burger King to be a most pleasurable delight of a time! Mmmm....

Tim said...

Ooo, you should defo give KFC another go - it's awesome! I'm not a fan of Burger King 'cos I think their chips taste funny. Can't complain about a Maccy D's though!!