That's how I Bieber

There's been a vicious rumour doing the rounds recently that I … *shudder* … am a closet fan of Canadialand's latest singing 'sensation,' Justin Bieber.

It all started last week when I was shopping in Westfield - ironically the very same place where I first became aware of the Bieber due to an influx of screaming teenage girls bunging up Starbucks in January while I tried to get a coffee and they waited for him to do an in-store appearance in HMV (some would say Mothercare would've been more appropriate).

So anyway, I was milling around Westfield trying to find something for Best Mate Jo's a mysterious friend's forthcoming birthday. Failing somewhat, I decided to do the easy thing and send a text asking for ideas. Our conversation went something like… well, exactly like this:

So we laughed, and I carried on shopping (she has got a lovely big toe, though).

When I got home I might've then posted something on Facebook about my mystery friend saying she thought Bieber was "fit," which led to some *HI-larious* comments and a significant amount of embarrassment for the friend in question, culminating in…

At this point I was still laughing my tits off at the whole thing, but events were about to take a disastrous turn.

On April 1st, y'see, the website Funny or Die had played a prank where they made it look like Bieber had taken over the website and renamed it Bieber or Die; as a result, every piece of content on the site that day featured Bieber in some capacity.

Bieber Takes Over from Justin Bieber

Autographing lady lumps? Paying people to slap them? Lollipops? I like the cut of his gib!

Now, I don't particularly like the Bieber, but the whole thing was pretty inspired, and very, very funny. Especially Dramatic Bieber, which had me giggling like a speshul for a profoundly disturbing period of time.

In the process of the 'mystery friend thinks Bieber is fit' thing rolling out across my Facebook page, I thought I'd post links to a couple of the Bieber or Die videos because they're, well, funny. Unfortunately, this backfired on me massively because people started echoing mystery friend's comment and adding things like "OMG - I think it's YOU that likes Bieber!!!!1!"

And as a result of watching too many of the Bieber or Die videos, all of which start with a snippet of his annoyingly catchy song 'Baby Baby,' I actually began to doubt my convictions. What was it about Bieber I disliked? Do I dislike him? WHY?! I constantly have to remind myself that he sings like a pre-pubescent girl and dances like he's hopped-up on blue Smarties. You can't really dance to the music I like - you nod your head to it; at most you pump your fist in the air while mouthing along to the words! I don't do pre-programmed dance routines like a human Big Trak!

To make it worse, I've been telling people how funny I thought Bieber or Die was, waffling on like I'm a long-time fan eager to spread the Bieber word. Not only that, but I've started to use 'Bieber' as a verb! It's like the how the Smurfs replace random words with Bieber Smurf! Goddammit, it's just a fun word to say: Bieber!! Say it with me: BIEBER!!! SAY IT!!!!

To top it all off, I've got a new favourite website: Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber. It's a collection of Justin Bieber pictures mixed in with lovely young lesbians who look like him - and what's particularly worrying is that half the time I can't tell which is which!

Essentially, then, I think I'm losing my Bieber mind. I'm giving serious consideration to Biebering one of these to keep me sane. So while I'm off crying in the shower until 'Baby Baby' stops playing on rotation in my head, the question I want to Bieber you is: HOW DO YOU BIEBER?!