Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Things to do and play: berate a celebrity

(And I use the word 'celebrity' in the loosest possible sense of the word)

You'll need the following ingredients:
• A celebrity or D-list television presenter. For the purposes of this post I'll be using former Watchdog assistant-host Alice Beer, although you could choose anyone of similar stature.
• Two players, preferably massively hopped-up on coffee.

How to play:
Begin by noticing your celebrity or D-list television presenter of choice walking down the street towards the Starbucks outside which the players are sitting. Player one initiates proceedings by gesticulating towards the celebrity, in this case former Watchdog assistant host Alice Beer, in an incredibly unsubtle manner and mouthing "you know - she used to be Anne Robinson's bitch on Watchdog." Player two looks at celebrity with distinct nonchalance, and maybe even a pinch of disgust.

The celebrity will then proceed to enter Starbucks. 

After allowing the celebrity to simmer for several minutes, player one should mouth very obviously "where did she go?" then make a joke at celebrity's expense. Player one will then notice that the celebrity has taken a seat at a table directly adjacent to the players' table, and has witnessed the entire proceedings thus far.

The players may indulge in a degree of laughter, concealed or otherwise.

Allow celebrity to continue simmering, but do not bring to the boil.

After several minutes, player one should proceed to return mugs to the counter in Starbucks, bumping into celebrity en route. If you've followed proceedings to the letter, the celebrity should look at the player with disgust and sneer noticeably.

Players should then discuss proceedings, and while experiencing just a little hint of remorse, ultimately decide that she annoyed the tits off them when she was on the telly, and it's a good thing she's not anymore.

24 comments:

WillowC said...

I don't even have to ask who Player 2 is, I really don't. you two are a menace!

(carry on)

Tim said...

We are quite awful, aren't we?

T-Bird said...

I have no idea what Watchdog is, but I plan to use this method should I meet any sort of ex-celebrity.

For the sake of this proceeding, I sincerely hope Watchdog is a tabloid journalism show like we have here 'angry neighbour showdown' and 'is your supermarket ripping you off' and 'how to get bigger boobs without surgery'.

I hate those shows.

Tim said...

You're close, T-Bird - it's a 'consumer rights' show that tends to latch onto certain things then goes mental at manufacturers. Say for example someone's car broke and that person got in touch with Watchdog, they'd be all, like, EVERY SINGLE MODEL OF THIS CAR IS DEFECTIVE AND IT MIGHT EXPLODE!!!

It's very sensationalist, and annoying.

Dinah said...

From Wikipedia:
Fellow presenter and one time Daily Mirror editor Anne Robinson once wrote a newspaper article trying to find her a boyfriend.

That's...strange.

I remember America's brief flirtation with Anne Robinson and hope that she was more personable in England.

Canada used to (still does? maybe?) have a consumer reports type show for kids called Street Cents. I remember one former host in an interview years later saying he had to leave because he was so sick of answering the same questions: "Hey kids! Your bag of chips has so much air in it so that all the chips don't break!" It was all very funny.

Tim said...

It is strange, isn't it?

And no, Anne Robinson is still a bitch over here. They're still making The Weakest Link, and quite frankly the whole thing is getting a bit tired. Like her taut face.

We get lots of air in our crisps too. It's a crime I tells ya!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I like this game. I'm going to play it whenever I see Trisha or Liza Goddard in Norwich.

Tim said...

No, you can't! I had a massive crush on Liza Goddard as a kid (blame 'Woof'), and Trisha's not at her best.

Anyone else is fair game though.

Who knew your part of the country had celebs?

watch*paint*dry said...

Would it be wrong to stalk celebrities just so I can try out this game? And do you need to have a the Tramp to help out?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Norwich is riddled with minor celebs. Helen McDermot from Anglia News and Birthday Club fame, Cathy Dennis International popstrel extraordinaire, Pam St.Clement aka Pat Butcher (she's got a house a couple of villages along from The Parents donchaknow) umm... Alan Partridge...

CyberPete said...

You can do this with people who aren't 'famous' and you don't know but have heard a lot about too. It's glorious!

IDV: Don't you be doing that to Cathy Dennis!

Tim said...

Watch*Paint*Dry - Lord no, they love the attention! And the Tramp helps, but you could use anybody if push came to shove.

Inexplicable Device - Aaah, so that's where careers go to die?

Cyberpete - Anyone's fair game, I think.

T-Bird said...

Is that the same Trisha of "Flicking meself off to Trisha" fame?

Oh, I hope so.

Tim said...

Damn right it is! RICE AND PEAS!!!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

"Yes, I've got a pen."

Tim said...

Kiss me teeth!

(not literally, you!)

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Ah, that explains the RICE AND PEAS!!!

I was going to moan that you spoil all my fun, but the thought of kissing teeth - anyones - is repulsive.

Tim said...

Don't say you didn't get the RICE AND PEAS reference?!

T-Bird said...

"Er, your burger is coming right up!"

Want a side of rice and peas with that?

Tim said...

No thanks, I hate peas.

watch*paint*dry said...

Using and abusing, two of my favourite things!

CyberPete said...

But Cathy Dennis is so lovely, and talented.

*sulks*

Tim said...

Watch*Paint*Dry - Oof!

Cyberpete - Erm, yeah…

Dinah said...

Cathy Dennis! Finally a celebrity I know. She played at the Graduation for the graduating class of West Beverly High 199 - "I have one word for you seniors: why?" And then she sang some other songs. I love 90210.