Saturday, June 14, 2008

Incredible sulk

Oh it's all gone horribly wrong. I had it all planned out - I was going to call this post 'Hulk smashing,' and I would rave about how much I liked the new Hulk movie. I'd take a picture of me, then fiddle it in photoshop so I was green; I was even going to bring my Hulk hands home from the office to make it even more authentic. Maybe rip my shirt and colour my jeans purple.

Sadly that idea all fell by the wayside because the new Hulk movie, in my professional opinion, sucks massive donkey-balls.

Now look, I'm quite easily pleased when it comes to movies (I once turned to Sparky Pa after watching Star Trek V: The Final Frontier and totally straight-faced said "I think this is a vastly underrated movie"), but this really was an awful, awful film. I almost fell asleep during the first 40 minutes or so because it was just achingly dull. There was zero plot - just Banner going to a different location, the military following him, and a ruck ensuing; no characterization - there actually seemed to be very little dialogue, just Edward Norton staring at Liv Tyler, and Liv Tyler looking a bit weepy; and the visual effects were rubbish - seriously, I think they just took the same ol' CG-model of the Hulk from the last film and made it a bit worse. And there was a bit with a helicopter flying over New York where it was so obviously shitty CGI. Here's an idea: why don't you really fly a helicopter over New York?

And don't get me started on the cars that spontaneously exploded when they were thrown out the way during the almighty bitch-slap finale. I've never actually thrown a car before, but I'm pretty sure it would just crumple up a bit if I did, and not go BOOM. The scene in which Banner cries in the shower was also wrong on multiple levels, not least because I didn't need to see Edward Norton curled up and naked, but also because he has incredibly girly legs. He looks like he's half a goddamned gazelle for crying out loud.

Norton apparently did a rewrite of the script for this movie, and if it's true that man should really never ever be allowed anywhere near a pen ever again. Ever. And quite frankly it'd be rather nice if he gave me my eight quid back.

39 comments:

T-Bird said...

I am still going to see this to fuel my Norton crush.

I actually didn't think it would be anything but crap, but as I haven't seen too much of the previews and marketing yet, I was just basing my opinion of the first one.

Oh and bitches?

FIRST

WillowC said...

Yeah but...panda boobs!

Tara said...

I have no desire to see the first Hulk movie that came out with Eric Bana. Then when I saw the trailers for this one and saw Ed Norton in it, I literally said out loud (and by myself) "Say it isn't so. Oh Edward." We're on a first name basis.

I'm guessing I'd be bored through the entire movie. And I love Norton, but I do not want to see him naked in a fetal position in the shower, crying his eyes out. Thank you for the warning!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Just the trailers are enough to put me off seeing this film. Hulk looks like he's caught a bad dose of CGItis, poor dear.

Still, there's nothing to stop you from Hulking out on the blog - Show us how it's really done.
I could come and help to paint you green if you like? You know, paint those awkward places where you can't reach?

Ian said...

Actually the early stories were that Norton got the part because he wrote the script - a dark, psychological thriller. Last week it was announced that the WGA had determined that his name should not appear on the script as writer - something Norton is unhappy about.

It's hard to know whether Norton's name should be on the script without seeing original drafts, but the whole movie comes across as one that has been interfered with by the suits and written by committee. It's a mess of a film and I couldn't believe it on Tuesday when I checked imdb after seeing a preview of the film that the average review was 9 or 10. Norton, who was my main reason for seeing the film, is far too bland for the role. The script is pants - like a TV episode with an extended budget. The CGI and FX are poor (although The Abomination CGI kind of works) and there's no chemistry between Norton and Tyler.

It's definitely a "Fantastic Four" more than an X-Men, Spider-Man or Batman.

Unfortunately I suspect it's going to make truckloads of money with all the marketing. Its only competition is "The Happening" which has been getting "one star" reviews everywhere - despite the fact the film company were telling critics there would be no previews last week.

CyberPete said...

I skipped the first movie because it seemed hideous. I'm not going to watch this one either.

Edward Norton doing the Hulk? No no no no no no. NO.

Why couldn't they have had Robert Downey Jr. doing a shower scene in Iron Man. At least then that would have been decent.

Tim said...

T-Bird - SAVE YOURSELF! DON'T DO IT!!

Willowc - Yeah, that was fun!

Tara - I'd give this one a miss too. I actually kinda liked Ang Lee's Hulk - it was a bad movie, but at least it was trying to do something different. This one's just a dull popcorn flick.

Inexplicable Device - Nope, there'll be no Hulking out here. Not now. Not ever. The time has passed.

Oh, and did the word 'photoshop' not indicate that I wouldn't actually be painting myself green? Keep your wandering green hands to yourself!

Ian - Welcome! I think the actual story of the making of The Incredible Hulk is actually more interesting than the film itself. It's also been said that there's a three-hour cut of the film that will eventually be put out on DVD; I can't help wondering if that would either a) make it a far better film, or b) be a further three hours wasted of my life.

I dread to think how much money it's going to make this weekend, though I suspect there'll be a significant drop-off next week…

Cyberpete - Good on ya! Although if you do like Robert Downey Jr, you might want to google 'Hulk' and 'Robert Downey Jr.' I'm saying no more.

watch*paint*dry said...

I dont even remember the shower scene! A Naked Norton! Why didn't you nudge me awake?

Actually, come to think of it, this scene probably came at a time when i was staring at my watch, willing the hands to move faster with my mind.

WillowC said...

It kind of got lost in the fog of emo soul-searching.

But panda boobs!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I thought you'd have learned from the crappy film and not used computer generated imagery, i.e. photoshop, to turn green.

I was only trying to help. Sheesh!

And my hands don't wander. They saunter nonchalently.

CyberPete said...

Oh great! Was he actually IN the new Hulk movie then?

*rolls eyes*

iPandah said...

I HATED the first Hulk film, almost as much as the person I went to see it with. I decided this film would also be dire, but like others, the idea of a Nortonfest made me think I'd have to see it. I don't think I'll bother, though unlike everyone else, the idea of Norton, naked and crying in the shower appeals to me. I must be picking up vibes from IDV, one day I may be as sick and twisted as he (keep those vibes coming, it's good to have a goal).

Can I ask about the Pandah boobs? I assume it's not MY Pandah boobs folk are talking about, unless THAT"S where that video disappeared to....?

WillowC said...

http://watch-paint-dry.blogspot.com/2008/06/great-big-green-pants.html

Panda boobs! Hurray!

iPandah said...

A ha! Now I see. I saw the same Pandah pulling a kung fu move in a cinema in Florida. There was a severe lack of boobage to cup though, aside from mine.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

iPandah, I'm vibrating out those vibes as we speak... ummm... type.

Tim said...

Watch*Paint*Dry - Because I was busy vomiting over someone's shoe.

I wish I had the power to make a woman's hands move faster with my mind.

Willowc - The panda boobs were awesome.

Inexplicable Device - I have a restraining order out on your hands. Hands begone!

Cyberpete - I'm saying nuttin'.

But yes.

iPandah - Shield yourself from IDV's vibes! Make a tinfoil hat!!

Willowc - Nice boobs!

iPandah - The boobs are amassing in Shepherds Boobs. Bush, I mean Shepherds Bush!

Inexplicable Device - Stop vibrating!

T-Bird said...

I don't care. I'll see this movie at some stage. Norton in the shower!

Come one, like we're going to miss that. Also, I wouldn't mind seeing the script he wrote. I bet he's an interesting writer.

watch*paint*dry said...

LOL! I bet you do you brazen hussy!
Still at least we had Nandos and panda boobs... Not all on the same plate mind.

iPandah said...

IDV - I'm receiving those vibes loud and clear....

Tim - how can you expect me NOT to start thinking like IDV when you write boobs and bush in the same sentence?! Twice!

Tim said...

T-Bird - Do I need to find a new CAG?

Watch*Paint*Dry - Could you imagine some peri-peri'd panda?

iPandah - Resist the vibes! And what's wrong with writing boobs and bush in the sa- oh!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

* shimmies down to non-vibration mode *

I'm having trouble imagining what you'd want a woman's hands to do faster: The washing up? Typing? Darning your socks?
They seem awfully mysoginistic but I really don't know what else it could be...

Tim said...

Slap you…?

watch*paint*dry said...

Peri-peri Panda boobs maybe? But they could seriously have your eye out.

WillowC said...

Only if you stir-fried the nips.

Tim said...

Watch*Paint*Dry - Then put them in your mouth!

Willowc - Or if it's cold.

T-Bird said...

Is that the airlock door opening? What are you doing? Why?

AAhhhhhhhhhhh!

*strains of All Along the Watchtower*

You're a fickle Admiral, Timothy.

T-Bird said...

Also, while you're in the middle of orienteering your new CAG about the helm, do you think you could use your literary genius to do your chapter? IDV tagged you...

*tapping foot impatiently in the zero vacuum of space*

watch*paint*dry said...

There was much more than a mouthful there! Sheez how big would those nips be?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

* also taps foot but in the comfort of atmosphere *

Tim said...

T-Bird - Are you defying my orders, soldier?!

Tag? What!?

Watch*Paint*Dry - Huuuuuuge nips!

Inexplicable Device - I'd prefer you were outside in the vacuum.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Well I'm not. Ha!

Do you remember this? You assured me you were working on it a week or so ago. Do I have to come round there and give you a good spanking?

T-Bird said...

OOH! Spankings! *You're iiiin troooouuubbblle*

Plus, I think I was defying your authoritah. You know, the whole airlock issue is such a touchy one.

Dinah said...

"Here's an idea: why don't you really fly a helicopter over New York?"

That's brilliant! Somebody get that kid a picture.

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - Oh! I know nothing! And I'm afraid I'm going to have to play my joker - I honestly don't have the time at the moment to write anything for it - sorry!

T-Bird - He's been gagging to say that to me for ages…

Dinah - A nice picture?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

You don't have time? Have you gone and got a life without telling the rest of us?

Bah!

I see your Nike-runny-thing is looking very cliff-like. Have you been practising to make it look like that?

Tim said...

Shockin' innit?

That was a really hardcore run I did yesterday!

Dinah said...

It looks really hardcore! And over 8 km - wow!

T-Bird said...

That's awesome - was the time 49 minutes? That's insane...

Tim said...

Dinah - I know, I'm rather proud of myself!

T-Bird - Yes it was … although I need to be faster for the 10k on the 29th…