Tuesday, June 10, 2008

My least favourite kind of jam

Although to be honest, I'm more of a marmalade sort of chap.

No, what I mean is traffic jams, because lord knows I've found myself in a few over the last week or so. 

First of all, last Thursday a broken water main near the Chiswick roundabout caused chaos as I tried to get into work, leading to a journey time of about an hour and a half. I left early on Friday in an attempt to circumnavigate any continuing problems, only to find that things were even worse because the Police had knocked the three-lane roundabout down to one, and had coned off the exit I needed - unless you were driving a bus, in which case they moved a couple of cones and waved you through. 

The rest of us mere mortals had to drive several miles down the A4, so I was basically heading home, then do a u-turn, just to get back to the roundabout on the other side of the cones. Such shenanigans meant that I ended up running perilously low on petrol, a journey time of one hour and  50 minutes, and the use of several colourfully creative swears from yours truly.

Monday morning I was relieved to find that everything was back to normal, and I swooped into the office in just 40 minutes. 

And then there was today.

My journey into work is almost exactly 12 miles long. At the four mile mark I hit traffic, and crawled all the way from Whitton to Kew; this part of the journey usually takes about 15 minutes, but today it took well over an hour, and only occasionally did I get to hit the giddy and exciting heights of second gear. At Kew Green I learnt why there was so much congestion:

Transport for London were doing a traffic census, undoubtedly to find out why London's roads are congested.

A severe looking Policewoman waved me down the side of the green, when in fact I actually just wanted to get to work; I was already late and needed to get away on time in the afternoon. 

With no other option, I pulled up beside some woman with a handheld computer-thingy, who explained to me that they were doing a census and they just needed to ask me a few questions. Those questions were:

• Where are you coming from? (exact address)
• Where are you going to? (exact address)
• Will you be entering the congestion charge zone?

What instantly became apparent was that the woman asking the questions wasn't exactly firing on all cylinders. Upon telling her that I lived in Shepperton she said "where?! I never 'eard of that!" before cutting me off while I spelt it out to her so it was now called 'Sheppert.' As for the last question, if these dunces had looked at a map they would've noticed that no, I would not be entering the congestion charge zone - unless, of course, they sent me on some massive loop around London then back through the centre, which based on the farcical way the survey was conducted wouldn't really have surprised me…

Two minutes later I was on my way. Total journey time? Two hours.

So thanks, TfL, for f**king up my entire day. Because of you I was over an hour late for work, had to take a short lunch so I could get away at something approaching normal time, and instead of getting home, having a nice relaxed dinner then heading over for a cuppa with my Nan, I've now got to rush around like a blue-arsed fly.

I hope you got all the information you needed, you tits.

31 comments:

WillowC said...

Just as long as you're not late for the pub quiz, I don't know if we can cope without you.

Tim said...

On my way!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

This would never have happened if you'd taken the Batmobile to work - You could have thrown it in census-woman's face and sped off!

This has reminded me: Really. What was with the jam-based wordage last week? 'Jambition' and 'jambiguity' to name but two.

T-Bird said...

I think I'd go insane if I had to go to work that way. Are there any other alternatives?

Tim said...

inexplicable Device - That's a nice idea, but 'sped off' would've actually resulted in 'crashing into the car in front.' Which would've been bad.

I'd like to tell you, but I have to keep it jambiguous.

T-Bird - Until they perfect rocket packs or the transporter, no. I could get the train, but that would take about an hour and a half, and cost about £15 per day.

T-Bird said...

That sucks so badly. Fifteen pounds? That's like a years wages over here!

I vote for the rocket pack option. How cool would that be?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Jamn you!

watch*paint*dry said...

Ugh I hate traffic and I hate jam, except for apricot. I was in a traffic jam this morning on a bus and nobody waved us through. I ended up walking.

Sylvie Girl said...

These surveys suck massively. I had loads of bags the other (very hot) day and got onto a crowded bus, which was even more crowded because of the 15 members of TFL staff on there handing out surveys and pencils. I say handing, I mean shoving whether you had spare room in your hand or not. The questions were something like what's your work address and what's your home one. What on Earth can they find out with that that's of any use?? They ought to ask - is TFL a numpty? Tick box yes.

Dora said...

You should have punched her in the face....or at least thrown something at her.

Like hot boiling water....

watch*paint*dry said...

Or smacked her round the head with one of your bags!

Tim said...

T-Bird - I know! I'd look so kewl with a rocket pack - like the Rocketeer!!

Inexplicable Device - RUDE.

Watch*Paint*Dry - Sorry to hear about your crap journey, but it is nice to hear that a bus got caught up rather than just swanning through like royalty!

Sylvie Girl - They're assaulting pedestrians too!? That's rubbish! I think you should get a rocket pack too - not only can we jet through the skies like it's THE FUUUUUTURE, but we can also burn the TfL people to a crisp with our afterburners.

Dora - I love it when you say things like that.

Watch*Paint*Dry - And you're getting good at it too.

CyberPete said...

There are so many things to say about this but all can really think of is

Let me introduce Mr. (Titspervert, Titspervert, Titspervert) uhm Mr. Fitz Herbert because uhm that is his name.

Thank you Brenda!

Tim said...

What!? Have you been hitting the sauce old bean?

watch*paint*dry said...

Amazing how much vitriol can be mustered at the slightest mention of TFL or congestion charging or anything London Transport related.

@Cyberpete: Come the fuck on Bridget!

Tim said...

Funny, I had a dream about that…

Tara said...

I'm glad they had the time in all that to stop people who were already running late for their day and ask them stupid questions.

In those instances, creative swearing is permitted if not mandatory.

CyberPete said...

YAY Watch Paint Dry got it!

Tim you've got to watch some Bridget Jones...

T-Bird said...

All I can think of with TFL is FTL. Spool it up.

Sorry, no Bridget Jones quotes. It's all BSG, all the way.

Tim said...

Tara - That's TfL for ya!

Cyberpete - No I don't.

T-Bird - Damn right I'll spool it up! New contact on draidus!

T-Bird said...

3....2...1!

I love that show too much for my own good.

Tim said...

You and me both. Want to be my new CAG?

T-Bird said...

It depends, what happened to the old CAG? Oh, who cares! I'll launch the vipers right away.

Dinah said...

I totally got the Bridget Jones reference too...I love that movie, and that scene has been my life so many times...

Tim said...

T-Bird - She turned out to be a cylon. I had to crack her neck and throw her out an airlock.

LAUNCH VIPERS!

Dinah - I totally didn't. I've only ever seen about two minutes of Bridget Jones.

T-Bird said...

Have you seen any of the latest season yet?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

No. It's on shitting Sky which I don't have. Bah! I bet there've been loads of episodes where Helo's clothes fall off, too...

CyberPete said...

IDV is ignoring the Bridget Jones thing as he's pretending to be above that sort of thing.

Because maybe Tim will like him more if he is.

But really he isn't.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Oh, it's so true, CyberPetra!

I totally got the BJ quote straight away - It's one of my favourites along with W*P*D's 'Come the fuck on, Bridget' and 'What the fuck?! Absolutely enormous pants!'

Damn it. Now I've blown it with Tim. Gah!

CyberPete said...

Poor IDV.

Maybe you can still save it by using your masculini...

um nah you've blown it!

Tim said...

T-Bird - Noooooo… It's on Sky, which I don't have. And I like getting the DVDs and watching it all in a weekend!

Inexplicable Device - Um, that's what I said. Apart from the bit about Helo's clothes. And, er, was she even talking to you?

Cyberpete - Like him more? I'd have to like him to like him more.

IDV - BJ quote?! Good grief! And Watch*Paint*Dry is funny. Bless her.

Cyberpete - Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!