Friday, June 20, 2008

The Holy Grail and some other crap

Excitement, he wrote! Why? Because today, people, I found the Holy Grail!

Yes that's right, your eyes don't deceive you - that's a KitKat that's solid chocolate all the way through. I'll say that again: A KitKat that is solid chocolate. All. The. Way. Through.

And that was all four fingers. Good times.

Now I just need to find a solid chocolate KitKat Chunky.

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A few weeks back I got a card through the letterbox from the postie telling me that he'd tried to deliver a package but it wouldn't fit through my letterbox. I found the card on a Friday evening, a time when, to be quite honest, I'm not usually firing on all cylinders and just want to flop down in front of the telly and disengage my brain. As such, I completely misunderstood what the postie had written on the card, and took it to mean that he'd try delivering the package again the next day, when in fact it actually said that I could pick it up the next day. Cue me getting up obscenely early on a Saturday morning to wait for a postman who never turned up.

Anyway, to cut a long story short I subsequently forgot about it. 

Cut to yesterday when I get another card from the postie. My immediate thought was that he'd tried to deliver the exciting new wireless router I've ordered, so today I got up super-early and shot down to the post office to pick it up. 

It was not my exciting new wireless router.

It was a water bottle from the bike ride I did last year.

Any other time I might've found this a rather nice surprise, but when your original idea is that it will let you watch Family Guy clips on your iPhone from the comfort of your bed, it's obviously a little bit disappointing. 

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One of the key requirements I had when house-hunting was that I needed to have a parking space. Sparky Towers, with its allocated parking space and ample visitors' spaces, fitted the bill superbly, and as we all know I subsequently bought it. Because if I hadn't bought it I'd technically be squatting, and I don't think the squatter lifestyle is quite for me.

Anyway, the car park has about 20 spaces, about eight of which are the aforementioned visitors' spaces. Here is where I make it clear that the residents' spaces are marked with a large painted number relating to the house that owns it, while the visitors' spaces are denoted by a large 'V,' which probably stands for something like 'various spaces that are available for use by people who have come to see people who live here.'

Simple enough? You'd think so, right?

So I get home from work on Wednesday and pull into the car park. There are only three cars in there - one of which is parked IN MY SPACE.

Now, I've always said that if someone dared park in my space I'd park my car right across the back of them so they couldn't get out; that would certainly be an inconvenience, wouldn't you say? Right up there, perhaps, with someone parking in your personal space. Anyway, I considered this course of action, but people let me tell you this: the offending car was a heap, and I genuinely feared that the owner wouldn't worry about bumping it against the wall in front and my car behind in order to squirm their way out. A bit like this:



My secondary course of action was to park-up in a visitor's space and write an irate note to leave on the windscreen. It said something like:

THIS IS AN ALLOCATED PARKING SPACE
AS SHOWN BY THE LARGE NUMBER PAINTED
ON THE GROUND. IN FUTURE WHY DON'T 
YOU TRY USING A VISITOR'S SPACE 
(THEY'RE MARKED WITH A 'V' FOR VISITOR)

I resisted the temptation to write 'dummy' on it in the style of Joy from 'My Name is Earl.'

After placing the note on the windscreen I turned round to face a rather smartly-dressed albeit slightly chavvy young woman.

"Oh, did I park in your space," she said. "I was just dropping something off."

"Yes you did," I replied. Then I launched into a little rant about how it was clearly an allocated space and how she better not do it again. I almost gave her snaps and a head-wobble too.

In her defense she did say "I'm terribly sorry," and shifted her shitty car as rapidly as it would move - although I did have to wait for the cloud of exhaust smoke to lift before I could be sure she'd actually gone.

35 comments:

Tara said...

Way to go for defending your parking space! Did she have an excuse at all?

I'm sorry about all the trouble with the mail. It's the downfall of living in an apartment. And then finally receiving something that you did not want at the time sucks too. Reader's Digest did that to me a few times. They were sending me little things that I did not ask for, and I finally canceled their magazine and every service they forced upon me. Take that, Reader's Digest!

Dinah said...

Ugh, mail delivery. There are three different doors in my building, and I can't hear the bells to all of them, so I get a lot of "I tried to deliver this but you obviously didn't want it."

It would be weird if there was a house that you'd called Sparky Towers...but didn't live in.

Tim said...

Tara - Her excuse was simply "I was dropping something off."

Do you think I would've been entitled to push her against a wall and interrogate her like a bad cop?

Dinah - You should have servants to collect and distribute your mail for you. Or at the very least a dwarf or monkey.

Yes it would be weird if I'd named somebody else's house Sparky Towers… lucky I haven't, eh?!

missy&chrissy. said...

you guys get the best snacks! what is that super-chocolatey new kitkat called? i must look for it here.

Tim said...

Missy&Chrissy - It's not supposed to be like that - it's a freak KitKat!!

We had a lemon shortcake flavoured KitKat over here a few years back - that was awesome.

Tara said...

You should've pushed her against the wall and interrogated her! You'd be sure she'd think twice about parking somewhere next time.

You should go to a little discount store and buy a toy police badge. Just in case someone else dares!

T-Bird said...

The Kit Kat gods have smiled upon your countenance. Clearly you are the chosen one. We will follow you and obey you. Want my credit card details?

Plus, I hate people encroaching on my home turf. I have an issue at the moment with the person across the hall leaving their smelly trainers outside. Seriously, they stink. Can't he put them on the paysho like I do?

watch*paint*dry said...

Whoohoo solid KitKat heaven!

I used to live in a gated complex which meant you had to have a badge on your car in order for the security to let you in. The parking system worked the same as yours with spaces allocated to houses. My car was ill and in car hospital so I had borrowed Papa Paint's car for the week. So no badge...
I was stopped by the security bossman who demanded to know where my badge was even though he knew I lived in the complex. I explained that I was using Papas car. He went on to tell me that he couldn't let unauthorised vehicles into the complex as people complain when other people park in their parking spaces. After explaining, at length, that as it would indeed be me who was parking in my own parking space and assuring him that I would not be complaining to him about myself, he let me in... Seriously!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Don't you find KitKat chocolate to be a little, well... peasant fodder?

WillowC said...

Push her up against the wall and interrogate her? Dude that's a Mills & Boon plotline in the making.


Do you win a prize for finding a completely choclit KitKat or is that a Marcosy rumour?

CyberPete said...

Couldn't you have called the police?

I did that a number of times where I lived before. It was a one-way street and no parking zone. Still people would park there.

When they did I would call the police and sit in the window laughing when they got tickets or once, the car was removed.

Good times!

Tim said...

Tara - Should I get a water pistol too?

T-Bird - As the chosen one I command thee to destroy the smelly trainers!! Then give me your credit card details.

Watch*Paint*Dry - You should've bashed through the barrier Dukes of Hazzard-stylee!

Inexplicable Device - How dare thee!

Willowc - How about if I'd had to get my truncheon out?

No prize for the KitKat, I'm afraid - he made that up.

Cyberpete - Dude, this is Britland - the Police are barely interested in anything that goes on here, unless of course you're speeding.

CyberPete said...

Or doing London Transport enquiries

T-Bird said...

Our police are just as bad - they're more interested in doing traffic and car checks that raise revenue than they are answering domestic calls. Now, that's a fact I didn't just make that up.

I think there needs to be some sort of an international vigilante posse taking care of all the things that the police won't.

We await the order of the Kit Katted one. Credit card details are in the mail. Right after that nice man sends me my cheque.

Tara said...

Yes, a water pistol and some intimidating sunglasses.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

* rushes back at the possibility of Tim getting his truncheon out *

T-Bird said...

Is that what the kids are calling it now?

Tim said...

Cyberpete - Damn right!

T-Bird - Your Police sound just like ours…

Vigilantes ahoy! Do I get to wear a mask and cape? And where do I get those wonderful toys?

Tara - Done! I reckon they do a 99p special on those in Tesco - I'll see what I can get!

Inexplicable Device - If I get home one day to find you parked up in my space… Actually, there was a car that looked just like Car in one of the visitor's spaces the other day. It was raised up on bricks at the rear.

T-Bird - Well, the Police call them batons these days, but that makes it sound like their off to take part in a parade or a cheerleading display or something.

I'd probably just tazer IDV - I wouldn't want to take the chance that he might make any sudden moves.

CyberPete said...

I'm getting my sonic screwdriver from Amazon any day now. Can I join?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

You can't tazer me - Have you any idea what that'll do to my hair?!

Tim said...

Cyberpete - Of cooooourse you can!

Inexplicable Device - Give it some much needed style and definition, perhaps?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Why you cheeky whippersnapper! Any more of that and I'll take you over my knee!

Tim said...

Inexplicable-Clarabel-Device - that's a little public even for you, isn't it?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

It could've been worse, Miss Leng. Instead of my knee, we could try over the bonnet of that Alfa?

Tim said...

Too late - it's been towed.

Enough of your sick little fantasies - I still think I'm going to tazer you!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Sick little fantasies? Whatever are you talking about? I mean only to give you a good hiding for your backchat...

Tim said...

Where do you want to be tazered? In the face or groin?

T-Bird said...

*Benny Hill Music*

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Groin please.

* slaps Tim several times on the top of the head before running off in a comedy speeded up way *

missy&chrissy. said...

ah...the ol' freak kitkat thing. alright then, we'll stop getting psyched for new extra chocolatey flavours then!

Dinah said...

*IDV reappears, now being chased by Tim*

Tim said...

T-Bird - We should all put that on our iPods…

Inexplicable Device - Psyche! *tazers IDV in the face*

Whoa! Look how frizzy his hair's gone!

Missy&Chrissy - Yeah, sadly it's a freak thing … unless it's secret market research!

Dinah - The difference being that I'm only chasing him because tazering him is fun!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Ow. My face.

Tim said...

Hmmm… I'm bored of the tazer. Let's try … A BAZOOKA!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

OW! MY FACE!

And rest of head. And upper torso.