Wednesday, March 03, 2010

The captain's chair

As you might know, there's nothingI'd like more than to be captain of the Starship Enterprise*. Unfortunately, seeing as I was annoyingly born about 300 years too early, I have to make do with living in a fantasy world, one that could be enhanced by actually owning a captain's chair. The problem here, though, is that a captain's chair costs a rather silly 1500 quid, and would appear to take up rather a lot of room, which kind of puts the kybosh on that. Fortunately, however, salvation would appear to be at hand from our dear friends, the Swedes!

And no, they did not appear in Star Trek - I mean Swedish people. Y'know, from Sweden.

On Saturday, you see, Big Bro and I made another jaunt to IKEA to sort out some bits for his new place, and if this is all sounding a bit familiar it's because I'm kind of treading old ground here, but with a new improved punchline, so bear with me. For those of you who can't be arsed to hit that link, IKEA do a chair that looks a little bit like the captain's chair from the new Star Trek movie, called the Karlstad. It's really rather cool looking, and Big Bro, who actually rather surprisingly liked the new Star Trek movie after professing to hate all other Star Trek (mostly because I *j'adore* it), was very taken with it too. In fact, he went so far as to tell me that he was going to buy a Karlstad and it would be *my* chair for when I go over to visit him.

That made me beam (as in smile, not, like, dematerialise and appear somewhere else).

The real captain's chair. No doubt I would've made him put some random controls and blinky lights on the armrests just to make me feel particularly captain-like. Then barked orders like "MAKE ME COFFEE, ENSIGN BITCH!" Or something like that.

On this IKEA trip, though, he decided that he'd spring the revelation that he's no longer going to buy a captain's chair Karlstad because he "doesn't have the room for it."

This, I think you'll agree, is a pitiful excuse, especially after he raised my hopes so much before dashing them so swiftly. It also kind of thwarts my plan to goad him into buying the IKEA desk chair that looks a bit like one of the regular chairs on the bridge, thus ruining my plan to surreptitiously transform his new flat into some sort of awesome/semi-tragic replica of the Enterprise.

To add insult to injury, he then made me sit in a Karlstad and pose like it's the last time I'll ever have the opportunity to do so.

Not only did I feel depressed by this unexpected turn of events, but my hair looked particularly unflattering in this picture, which is why I've taped a picture of William Shatner's glorious face over mine. Also, I don't know why the photo is all blurry; either Big Bro's just not very good at taking pictures with my iPhone, or he's in the early stages of Parkinson's. Maybe I should get him tested?

I'm really not prepared to let this go without a fight. I'm thinking about setting up a Facebook petition, and I rather like the idea of a protest rally. I'm imagining hordes of people in Star Trek uniforms carrying me aloft through the streets of West London. Preferably with me sitting in a Karlstad making out with a green Orion slave girl, although that would actually mean buying one which would kind of defeat the object of the whole thing because then he'd probably just suggest I donate it to him (the chair I mean, not the slave girl). Anyway, these are little details that we can iron out later. Who's in?


* If you're ever unfortunate enough to meet me in person just call me "captain" and see me snap to attention like my true purpose in life has just been revealed.


Inexplicable DeVice said...

Anyway. The Karlstad's not too bad, although it's not doing your posture any good. Perhaps I should call you captain?
Would all of you snap to attention? Or just part of you...?

Tim said...

I know, I really should sit up straight, shouldn't I?


Tara said...

Interesting post, Tim (involuntarily solutes at the computer screen)! Permission to comment, Sir?

Have you considered checking out Ebay to see if one of those chairs is available at a lower price? It's possible, ya know. That way you could have your very own captain's chair without having to be the victim of your brother's cruel ways.

CyberPete said...

Wow Captain, I must say it seems my cut and paste technique is better than yours (I could teach you but I'd have to charge?).

I like the Karlstad. If I'd been in London I'd gladly picket your bro all insane-o Trekkie style. Could be fun. Send me a plane ticket?

BEAST said...

I am only up for the protest if IVD DOES NOT dress up as 7 of 9.(I know she is from voyager but IVD is from East Angular and is bound to be confused)
Some things should remain sacred

Inexplicable DeVice said...

@ BEAST: We are Bored. Your biological and culinary distinctiveness will be added to the dustbin. Resistance is futile!

* flicks Janeway wig and struts out muttering *

As if I'd be caught deader wearing silver spandex...

Tim said...

Tara - Permission granted! I've actually got no room for a Karlstad, otherwise quite frankly I would've snapped one up already!

Cyberpete - Thank you. Now I have Kelis playing in my head.

Beast - Ugh! Agreed! Just because he's got a front bottom doesn't mean he's got the necessary boobage to dress as Seven!

Inexplicable of Device - You're wearing silver spandex now, aren't you?