Thursday, December 24, 2009

The night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

That's because I run a clean house and eradicate ALL vermin ON SIGHT.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

I've been out shopping in crowded malls searching high and low for the perfect presents for you … and HE gets all the credit?!

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;

By 'sugar-plums' do you mean expensive toys? Because I seriously can't imagine any kid in this day and age dreaming about fruit.

And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

Um, yeah, coooooourse we had. Her in her 'kerchief (WTF?) and me in my cap? Sounds like some festive dress-up fun, methinks!

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Sexily tripping over my trousers in the process.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

Um, WTF is a sash, and why am I throwing it up? Did I eat it?

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Heh heh. Breast.

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

Am I still naked or am I wearing the sash? Because I'm suddenly very conscious of my 'objects below.'

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

I think it's obvious now that the wife slipped me some festive roofies.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

Or a pervert come to murder us in our sleep.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

Should've slowed down a bit then.

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!

They sound like strippers.

*Adjusts sash and adopts sexy grin*

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

Strippers come back! Don't dash away all - I'm wearing a festive sash for you!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

I'm sorry, that just *doesn't* make sense. It's total word soup. Either that or the roofies are seriously kicking in.

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

Why the hell did they land on my lawn first? Was it just for a toilet break? Did Prancer poop? Why you…!

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

I think this is where I should be picking up a heavy object - like a baseball bat or something.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

And instinctively I whacked him in the face with the bat.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

Quick - someone call PETA.

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

From when he'd no doubt burnt his previous victims to destroy the evidence!

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

Now the word 'peddler' just makes him sound like a filthy old pervert in this day and age, doesn't it?

His eyes - how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

In other words: drunk.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

Flecked with blood, no doubt.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

Or rather what's left of them after he ate bat!

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

Call the cops - he's smoking wacky baccy in my living room.

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

Oh my, we are painting a pretty picture here, aren't we?

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

Because I totally knew I could take him in a fight.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

Because by wrenching his neck I could sever his head (I've seen how they do it in the movies).

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

'A jerk'? Um, seriously, I'm not going anywhere near *that*. He better clean it up.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

I told you he was high.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.


But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

*Waves baseball bat*

Be gone, pervert! Now, where was my wife…

*Re-adjusts sash*


Happy Christmas to you all, dear friends and readers - eat, drink, and be merry!


Inexplicable DeVice said...

Sexily tripping over my trousers in the process. * sigh * As if you could do anything non-sexily.

Wait a minute... Wife? Wife? WIFE!?! When the hells did this happen?!? There would have been some objecting if I'd been invited to the wedding, let me tell you.

* seethes in fury *

* reigns self in somewhat *

An a happy christmas to you too, Tim!

CyberPete said...

How could it not be, with the image of you in nothing but a sash!

Happy Christmas Tim-Tams!

Tim said...

Inexplicable Device - Yes, I've been meaning to say … me and theoretical secretary got it together!

Merry Christmas to you too!

Cyberpete - It's my Christmas present to you!

MJ said...

Congratulations on escaping the clutches of IVD.

And a merry Christmas to you, Tim.

Tim said...

And to you too, lovely MJ!

Ponita in Real Life said...

A most Happy Christmas, Tim... I certainly like the image of you in just a sash that is dancing in my head! tee hee!!!

Tim said...

And a most merry of Christmasses to you too, saucy Ponita!

CyberPete said...

Much appreciated.

Hope someone stuffed your stocking good and proper

wordless words said...

hahah! that was nice! xx merry xmas.

Tim said...

Cyberpete - Glad to oblige at this most festive of times! And yes, my stockings were fit to bursting!

Wordless Words - And a very Merry Christmas to you too, my dear!

Tara said...

Now this was funny, thanks for the Christmas laugh! I hope you had a wonderful holiday!!

But wait, doesn't everyone where a kerchief to bed?

*Sheepishly hides her fuchsia-colored kerchief from sight*

Tim said...

Tara - Have you got 'kerchief shame to share with the group…?