Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The movies just got waaaaay more exciting

If, like me, you're a whore to upcoming movies you love reading up on what exciting movies are on the horizon, you can't help but be excited about two new productions that were recently announced, both variations of a classic novel: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, and Pride and Predator. This is great because ohmygod-have-you-ever-read-that-book? Crushingly dull. The addition of  "all-new scenes of bone crunching zombie action" as the synopsis for the book version of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies puts it can only make it 100 percent more readable.

Anyway, because my life is so utterly, soul-crushingly empty that I have nothing better to do at the behest of someone I know who knows someone involved in Pride and Predator, I've pressed my finely-honed photoshop skills into action and come up with a bit of photo-chopped proof of concept for the film. Now, ideally I would've actually used a Predator for this, but the hilarious Filmdrunk beat me to the punch on that one, so I'm making do with my other favourite mischievous alien: the Alien.

The bonus here is that every visible part of Keira Knightley (or "Keira-f**king-Knightley" as a good friend of mine calls her) is eradicated. Veering off topic for a second, I'd just like to say that I once had a bit of a thing for Keira-F**king-Knightley, until I realised that she's got a) far too many teeth for her own good, and b) the chest of a pre-pubescent boy; I could never go out with a girl who has smaller tits than I do. Where was I? Ah yes! I think the Alien works quite well here because she's totally thrown herself into the role and is leaning in for some full-on Mr Darcy action. Admittedly he's looking a bit less keen, but you know he's going to cave eventually and move in for the kill like a real gentleman would - at which point she'll punch him in the back of the throat with her little mouth, impregnate his sorry ass, then - BAM! - before you know it job's-a-goodun' and you've got more little baby Aliens flitting around Netherfield Park Manor than you can shake a stick at.

Good times.

Any-hoo, all this talk of classic literature/blockbuster movie mash-ups has got me thinking, and we all know how that usually ends when I haven't taken the appropriate meds. The end result this time is … well, you may recall that the only favourable thing I found in the utterly pointless remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still was that the giant robot Gort was cool, and I thought he should get his own spin-off. I still believe that to be true, but I do feel that Gort needs to push himself as an actor because he really doesn't want to get himself typecast now, does he? No. So, anyway, I think Gort should hit the stage.

Notice how I'm pushing for classic Gort here, because nothing's funnier than a giant robot that walks like he's crapped his pants. Anyway, I think this would seriously work. Can't you just feel the sizzling passion sparking off Gort and wotserface - I'm guessing she's Irene Jacob (though she could be Kenneth Branagh in a wig; he is a versatile performer after all). She's all, like, "GORT! Ravish me!" And he's all "Wait-up, bitch; I'm just going to laser someone's face off - then you'll get some robo-loving."

He's one smooth operator. A well-oiled machine, I think you could say.

Hollywood - if you're interested, get your people to call my people. Although I don't actually have any people, so just, y'know, email me. Maybe hit me up on iChat or Windows Messenger or something. I'll be here. I have nothing better to do.


So there we have it: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Pride and Predator, and Gorthello. Three sterling ideas, I think you'll agree. And all of which are infinitely better than the recently-announced Gnomeo and Juliet (I shit you not), which is, quite frankly a horrific idea; small people are scary enough at the best of times, let alone when they're making out with each other.


Ponita said...

I'm quite certain my tits are bigger than yours.

Make Pride and Predator.... that I would pay to see.

Daisy said...

LOL! Luv your sense of humour!

CyberPete said...

I can't remember watching a more dull movie than Atonement. I would definately be up with some aliens and zombie action in that.

Great photo-chopping!

BEAST said...

Is Pride and Predator being made by Sir Eltons film company and being directed by his partner David Furniture (Or whatever his name is) so its bound to be an utter disaster

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Ah, the classics as they were originally meant to be. Did you know that Charlotte & Emily Bronte were all for legions of the undead, but their publishers put the kybosh on them? Same thing with alien interlopers. They were ahead of their time, that's for sure.
In fact, I may have one of the original manuscripts laying around somewhere...

Tara said...

Mr. Darcy is just playing coy in that first shot. But there is serious eye contact and chemistry going on between the two.

All Gort needs is to loosen up and stop playing roles that are so stoic.

Tim said...

Ponita - And *anyone's* are bigger than Keira-f**king-Knightley's!

And they are making Pride and Predator! Exciting, huh?!

Daisy - Hello! And bless you, that's very kind!!

Cyberpete - Anything can be improved by adding zombies or aliens. I'm not sure about together, though; some might regard that as overkill.

Beast - Yeah, it is! We'll have to keep our fingers crossed that the concept isn't watered down by jolly ol' Dame Elton.

Inexplicable Device - Would you be willing to transcribe said manuscript for our reading pleasure?

Tara - Yeah, Mr Darcy wants some of that hot alien ass, that's for sure. And she's practically salivating at the prospect. Although that could be acid…

You're right, Gort takes himself far too seriously. He needs to do a rom-com or something. Maybe team up with Seth Rogen.

CyberPete said...

Only if Dame Judy Dench is in it too.

There is only so much one can take.

Tim said...

A very good point.

missyandchrissy said...

the next time i watch Alien i am going to be SO bummed when she's running around without that little ivory dress on. it goes so well with her skin tone!

The Tall Red Head said...

You are way too funny Tim. And that goes for all your posts. i would leave comments on all of them but it is hard to type with the 3rd degree sunburn. So, this is for all of them...HAHAHAHAHA.

And that is not in anyway sarcastic.

Tim said...

MissyandChrissy - I know! She really doesn't dress to impress most of the time. It's like one of those movies where the ugly girl is spruced up so that her natural beauty shines through at the end. The Alien really needs to play to her strengths.

The Tall Red Head - Cheers dude! Now be careful of that sunburn and use some aftersun - you don't want it to all peel off!!

cube said...

Maybe the Alien shouldn't do a profile... it seems to reinforce the largeness of the head vs. the smallness of the chest.

Tim said...

Cube - I agree, it's not her best angle. And it also presents a more sizable target should Sigourney Weaver turn up on set.