Tuesday, February 23, 2010


One unmentioned fact about the oven story I posted previously was that I spent all of Sunday haring around West London in search of a shiny new oven with the nagging sensation that something wasn't quite right with me. The first piece of evidence that directed me to think this was the pounding headache I woke up with; it felt like something was trying to punch its way out of my head, and bearing in mind how much available space there is up there it was entirely conceivable that something had taken up residence and then decided to put in a new door or something to let a breeze through in the summer.

The second piece of evidence was the lumpy sensation in my throat. My initial reaction was something like 'EEK! MUMPS!' which would've been incredibly frustrating because I certainly didn't have time to go make a deposit at the local sperm bank in order to ensure my ability to reproduce at some still to be determined point in the future. Fortunately I then remembered that I'd already had mumps when I was a kid (yay for me), so my virility was safe (yay for future wife and potential for offspring).

I then decided that it was all just a knee-jerk reaction to having to spend loads of money on something I'd not planned to. I hope this doesn't mean I'll resent the shiny new oven.

Anyway, come Monday morning and I wake up with THE MOTHER OF ALL SORE THROATS, which quite frankly I really didn't need because I had to be in work for a BIG AND VERY IMPORTANT MEETING. I know, the idea of me being involved in a BIG AND VERY IMPORTANT MEETING is hilarious, isn't it? I think they just needed me to look pretty. I wore a nice shirt and a fitted jumper, so I fulfilled my end of the bargain.

So I manage to haul myself out of bed and get to work, at which point - and at some point in the future I swear I'll look back at this and laugh - I manage to hurl my beloved iPhone onto the ground. A very concretey piece of ground no less. Obviously there were swears involved, but fortunately upon picking up my iPhone I discovered it had gotten away with just a smattering of scratches on the back. Which I subsequently coloured in with a permanent black pen when I got into the office. You can barely tell now. And anyway, girls love guys with scars. Admittedly mine are on my phone, but still.

Hellooooooo ladeeeez…

For the next four hours I managed to remain remarkably coherent, but literally minutes after the meeting ended I crashed and burned at my desk. Deciding enough was enough, I went home, got into bed at 20 to three in the afternoon, and stayed there until about eight, at which point I submerged myself in the bath.

While in the bath I determined that I get very bored very easily just sitting in the tub, and resolved that at some point before I have my next one (before you say anything about me being filthy let me just establish that I usually, and very regularly, have showers) I need to buy some tubby toys to keep me occupied. Any suggestions? The first person who says something about my penis gets blocked, OK?

Cutting to the chase, I took today off work. I've spent pretty much all of it in bed, which has been delightful because not only do I now feel considerably better, but there's nothing quite like sitting in bed, alternately napping and reading comics and books. It could only have been better if Autumn Reeser had been here to make me soup and mop my brow (that's not a euphemism).

Maybe I should show her my iPhone? Chicks dig scars, don't they?


Tara said...

I'm sorry you were so sick, but happy to read that you treated yourself to some R&R (could be rest & relaxation, or reading and Reeser)! Do you have throat lozenges? I notice that every time I say "lozenges" or even read that word, it sounds like I'm drunk. For the record, I am not drunk.

Oh and I know what you mean about getting bored while taking a bath! It's very soothing, but I can't be bothered to soak in the tub for hours and hours. I think getting bath toys is a great idea. I used to play with Barbies in the tub. And I used to pretend that the shampoo and conditioner bottles were people.

Tim said...

I used to have a plastic ocean liner I bought on holiday in Wales in about 1985. Actually, I think it might still be in Sparky Pa's garage! I WILL HUNT IT DOWN!

No lozenges, unfortunately. I desperately wanted some Lemsip, not because I think it does any good, but the placebo effect is definitely worth it. But I didn't feel up to going out, so I just SUFFERED.

CyberPete said...

You need a rubber ducky and Lego ships.

Oh and bring a couple of issues of Vogue with you too (although I have issues with Vogue these days because of them featuring women in ankle socks and mini heel sandals).

Hope you'll be all better again soon. Personally I'm just tired all the time

Tim said...

I do need a rubber ducky! Maybe one of those ones that looks like Darth Vader? Or should I stick with the classic yellow one? Or maybe I should get one of the massive oversized ones! Oh, so many choices!

CyberPete said...

Classic ducky all the way! Mine has shades on though.

When I was a wee lad I had a big (ok it's not that big looking back) yellow whale that I fancied taking to the bath.

I'm going to have to go looking for that at my parents house sometime. Strange how parents keep that crap eh?