Monday, April 27, 2009

An open letter to anyone who wishes to preach doorstep religion

Let's be frank, based on the fact that I've been suffering from pig flu, everyone's favourite, topical, pork-based illness, this weekend has not exactly been the best couple of days in recent memory, topped off by the fact that I appear to have lost the ability to sleep. To make matters worse, having only gotten to sleep at around 5:30 am on Sunday morning (the sky had started getting lighter and there were tweeting birds in the trees), I was rudely awakened at 9:00 am by someone ringing my doorbell.

Although I woke up in a shot, I made the executive decision to ignore whoever it might be, mainly because unless it was Autumn Reeser come to whisk me away on a Caribbean holiday I'd probably have started my day with a tirade of four-letter words directed towards the little bastard who was insisting on jabbing away at my doorbell like it was Lindsey Lohan's crotch and they were checking to see if she still had any feeling down there. If it wasn't for the fact that I felt clammy and gross (as a result of pig flu, I hasten to add) I probably would've gone at them like a complete mentalist, but instead I shut my eyes and hoped they'd go away.

Only later did I discover that the perpetraitors of this most heinous of crimes was - brace yourself - some f**king Jehovah's Witnesses.

*deep breath*

OK, I like to think that I'm a very tolerant and understanding chap, and my general feeling towards most things is that as long as you're not hurting anyone you should pretty much be allowed to do what you want. But banging on MY front door stupidly early on a Sunday morning to try and engage me in conversation about YOUR religion is overstepping the mark. It's overstepping the mark BIG TIME.

As an extension of the tolerance noted above, I like to think that I'm respectful of other people's religions (except, perhaps, Scientology, because that one's bat-shit crazy). That doesn't, however, preclude me from pointing the finger of blame for many of the world's problems at organised religion. Don't believe me? Just look back through history - the Crusades, for example; the work of missionaries sent to foreign countries to convert people to a religion other than their own; the ongoing problems in the Middle East - just a few examples of how religion has caused problems rather than solve them.

That being my take on things, I'm happy for everyone to get on with their own beliefs while I formulate my own (if you're interested, I am, strictly speaking, Church of England, but my family is not at all religious, and I've only ever been to church once - when I was in Beavers and they threatened to chuck me out if I didn't go to Church Parade. Bastards). So, as you might imagine, I was a little bit pissed off that some Jehovah's Witnesses thought I might like to waste some of my time listening to them try and tell me why their views are better than mine.

In hindsight, I really wish I had gotten up and started talking to them - mainly because I would've been shouting at them from my bedroom window and I probably would've succumbed to temptation and thrown a shoe at them or something. Anyway, they left evidence of their visit in the form of a cheapily-printed leaflet telling me how I should get involved in Bible study in order to live a better and more rewarding life free of sin. Well, I hate to break it to you, chaps, but I already have a bible: it's called the Star Trek Encyclopedia, and while it is in dire need of an update (rather like the Bible, I s'pose), it's a damn sight more entertaining, and, dare I say it, less fictional than the one you want me to study. It's also full of pretty pictures of starships.

Anyway, if I know anything about Jehovah's Witnesses it's that they're persistent little buggers, and will no doubt be back. And if they do, I think I'll argue with them for at least an hour, then slam the door in their faces before discretely following them to their home. I shall then return to their abode later that evening at a time that is - god forbid! - greatly inconvenient to them, armed with a full 13 binder set of The Official Star Trek Fact Files, at which point I shall begin lecturing them on the concept of Sto-vo-kor and Gre'thor, the Klingon equivalents of heaven and hell. Let's see how they like them apples, eh?


Ponita in Real Life said...

You do that and I want to see the film! That would be *way* too funny!

I hear ya, Tim. I too am quite tolerant of other's beliefs, but believe that to each his own and leave me out of yours. Unless I ask... and I won't, I can guarantee that.

I once had a couple of young JW fellows come to my door (many years ago) who were possibly all of 18 but maybe younger. Obviously nervous too. They just started in on their speil when I said, "Sorry, not interested - I'm a Druid" and closed the door.

It was several long moments before their picked their jaws up off the porch and moved along to the next house. I had a really good laugh over that one! :-)

CyberPete said...

You know, they have a list where they write down where they are persona non grata and you jet ask them to put you on that list. Et voilĂ ! They won't bother you again. Until you move somewhere else.

My bible is, of course, La La La by Kylie and William Baker. It has fashion photos and the like.

Way better than whatever those crazies have to offer.

BEAST said...

I was once lectured at great length and high volume by a gaggle of J W in a supermarket in Bayswater , on the evils of mint chocolate chip ice cream (Satan put a tub of it in my trolley while I was distracted by the cans of beans)
My Bible would be a Nigella Lawson Cook Book (With pictures)and last years Viz Annual

iPandah said...

I like reading the magazine they leave, it's called 'The Watchtower.' It's full of craziness, highly entertaining, the sub-headings alone often have me in stitches.

the projectivist said...

thank goodness i don't eat choc mint ice cream! i've always thought it was evil, now my suspicions are confirmed.

Tara said...

Before I comment, I'd like to talk to you about Jesus, first...

Just kidding!! I'm not that religious either, the only time I step into a church lately is because our choir practice is held in one.

That's beyond irritating, though. I worked with a Jehovah's Witness, but thankfully she never tried to convert me.

You should've answered the door and coughed on them, sharing your pig flu.

watch*paint*dry said...

Get yourself some Valerian Root to sleep. It works and doesn't leave you groggy in the morning.

I live on the third floor with no entry phone buzzer, just an air raid siren. Which means I have to go down four flights of stairs to answer the door. I was woken often by the Sunday knockers. They have stopped now, I didn't even realise I knew that many swear words. I even made some up.

missyandchrissy said...

giving them a taste of their own medicine is such a great idea! surprisingly i've never been bothered by a JW banging on my door, which is kind of ironic given i pass their giant Watchtower headquarters in brooklyn whenever i drive to my apartment.

and all this talk of mint chocolate chip ice cream has inspired me to have it for breakfast this morning.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I find an inverted pentagram on the front door step prevents many callers. And any who do step in it to ring the bell, tend to burst into flames or become engulfed in maggots before their finger hits the button.
The downside is clearing up the mess after they've dissolved

CyberPete said...

Your Nike+ MiniMe is mocking you.