Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Groin + coffee = embarrassment

Of all the blog posts I have ever written, I think this one has the most obvious giveaway title. Like Ronseal, it does exactly what it says on the tin.

I had a full-on moment of utter stupidity yesterday lunchtime. I was sitting outside Secret Starbucks enjoying the fresh springtime weather with Yaz and Scanner, seated around a notoriously wonky table; truth be told, I would've preferred to be inside enjoying the nice warm temperature-controlled environment, but *someone* made us sit outside. Anyway, I'd already tried to cover Yaz in coffee (intentionally or not? Who knows!) by plonking her mug down in front of her and letting the notoriously wonky table do its thang, but, damn her, she's got cheetah-like reflexes and managed to swing her legs out of the way before it got her. All that meant was that I then had to go back inside to get some serviettes to wipe notoriously wonky table with. 

About 20 minutes later, though, I went to pick up my almost empty mug to knock back the last of my coffee, when – and I think this is what happened - I thought I saw some coffee about to slosh up and out of the mug. For some reason, some sort of bizarre animal instinct kicked in, and I rather violently slammed the mug back down on to notoriously wonky table. Notoriously wonky table subsequently tilted back in my direction, and I then watched as a large amount of coffee shot up in the air and landed right on my crotch. 

I looked down at my groin in disbelief (and not for the usual reason, fnar fnar). There was a massive damp patch. I totally looked like I'd wet myself. With no other option, I grabbed the last remaining serviettes from the earlier spillage, and unapologetically cupped myself right there in front of the lunchtime crowds walking down the high street. And I continued to do so for the next 10 minutes or so. Fortunately the coffee wasn't scalding hot; if it had been, I think I might've had to order a tall frappuccino simply to dumb it in my pants.

Anyway, by the time I walked back to the office, it was barely visible; at least I think it was. Maybe my mind's eye just sort of glossed over it, and I actually looked like a complete special walking down a busy road with a large yellow groin stain. 

There's a nice mental image for you, eh?

So, the end result of this story? Well, you know Starbucks knock 25p off the price of your beverage if you take your own cup in? Sorted.

36 comments:

CyberPete said...

I can totally picture you rubbing your groin

Uh I mean I can totally picture you sitting outside Starbucks with that special cup

yeah that's what I meant to say

Tim said...

Both lovely images.

WillowC said...

Your animal instinct pretty much sucks. And I bet you're going to blame this one on some non-existent freak weather, too.

T-Bird said...

Cyberpete, doing what IDV can't do since he lost his demon box... Keep it up laddy, I still need my daily injection of smut.

Ok, clearly willowc has some insider knowledge that I may have missed! What is this non-existent freak weather blaming incident?!

To tell, willow!

Tara said...

Now see when I spill coffee on myself, it's usually when I have a freshly bleached blouse (try saying that five times fast) on. And since I put cream in my coffee, the cream makes a note to leave a stain. Tres chic. But it sounds like guys have it worse.

You could've flaunted it in the coffee shop by not covering up the spot. "Yes, that's right! Don't act like you're not impressed!"

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Do you know the best way to remove coffee stains? Suck them out.

If only I had been there...

Tim said...

Willowc - My animal instincts are usually as sharp as Manimal's, but no, I'll just blame this one on stupidity.

T-Bird - "Keep it up"!? Oo-er!

Willowc somehow missed the snow that was dumped on London on Sunday. Lord knows how, save for the fact that, like the Blue Peter tortoise, she seems to live in a box.

Tara - Ha! There was no way I was going to flaunt a damp groin!! A thigh maybe; groin, NOOOOOOOO!

Inexplicable Device - I prefer to use Vanish. Something that sadly doesn't work on you.

Dora & Tina said...

Just after I left a message on your previous post about flashing your crotch...you go and post about it.

I think you WANT people to talk about you dirty ladette! That's not polite talk you know!!!

watch*paint*dry said...

I guess cold coffee crotch must be better than fire crotch. Surely.

CyberPete said...

Oh don't you worry T-Birdy

I'll do my best to keep *it* up

Tim said...

Dora - It's crotch week here on Sparky Malarkey - didn't you get the memo?

Watch*Paint*Dry – Hmmmm… interesting. I might have to conduct some experiments to test that. How do you lure in the Lohan?

Cyberpete - Can't you put it down for a while? No one likes a show-off.

missy&chrissy. said...

while spilling coffee on your pants stinks, we are happy that it brought about the awesome phrase 'notoriously wonky table'.

T-Bird said...

Haha! Coffee crotch!

Tim said...

Missy&Chrissy - I think we'll be hearing a lot more of notoriously wonky table…

T-Bird - The best kind! All that caffeinne? Guaranteed to keep you up all night!

watch*paint*dry said...

I suggest leaving a trail of sweeties for the Lohan to snaffle up. Yes. Yes sweets is what she likes...

WillowC said...

I've now been called a berk, a tit, a dufus and a tortoise. The cheek of it, coming from Dampcrotch McMakestheweatherup.

CyberPete said...

I don't think it's an option Tim

not at all, the audience wants a show

Tim said...

Watch*Paint*Dry - I know what she wants - and it ain't sweets, if ya knows what I means!

Willowc - And you've been them magnificently!

Cyberpete - I'll put on some tap shoes then, and assemble a barbershop quartet!

T-Bird said...

Ok, coffee crotch. The next hair shot I'd like to see is a paparazzi shot. They want to see you hair, you don't want them to.

It's a mad world.

CyberPete said...

Yes T-Birdy!

Pretend massive flashbulbs keep going off from all directions and people are screaming your name

Tim said...

T-Bird - So, just another normal day then, huh?

Cyberpete - There'll be no flashing from you sir!

CyberPete said...

Of course not

You'll be the one flashing us

Tim said...

How can I take paparazzi shots of myself?!

skillz said...

The thing is, any time you see a grown up with a wet patch around their groin you automatically assume they spilt a drink, or got splashed by an overzealous tap.

It would be very easy to just pee in your pants and then just roll your eyes, tut, and just say you spilt something. Though I guess you might still end up smelling of wee.

CyberPete said...

You'll figure it out boy wonder (is boy a bit of a stretch for someone over 30?)

T-Bird said...

Just no Britney shots, thanks!

CyberPete said...

I'm sure IDV would love the Britney type shots

eroswings said...

Britney type shots? like driving with a baby on your lap? or using a baseball bat to bash in someone's car?

WillowC said...

Something to do with being bald and lairy, I think.

CyberPete said...

Wasn't it an umbrella Bingowings?

Which is quite ironic since Britney passed on the song. Maybe that's why she got so mad?

Willowc: Yes, that's what I was trying to say

T-Bird said...

I was thinking the shaving of the hair with a really scary blank look...

CyberPete said...

IDV already has the scary blank look down. He said so himself

T-Bird said...

*hugs* for you, matey!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I would hug, but you'd only take it the wrong way...

I hope you're OK?

Oh, what the Hell: *hugs*

T-Bird said...

Oooh! Nice man sandwich hug! Although, what is that thing poking into my side?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Tim?!?

Oh, hang on. It's just my wand.