Bringing specsy back

Four years ago - so definitely somewhere in the wilderness years of this blog where all you got was annual book updates - I started getting stingy eyes and headaches. I was spending lots of time at my computer working (not writing my blog, obviously) and I came to the realisation that I should probably have my eyes tested. 

The upshot of it was that I ended up getting Sparky’s First Pair of Glasses. Well, strictly speaking it was Sparky’s First Two Pairs of Glasses, because it was on a buy one pair get another free deal. The glasses I got were black framed, kinda like Ray-Bans sorta thing, and no you’re not getting a picture of me wearing them. That’s what Instagram is for. Weirdly, my prescription was so slight that the optician, or optometrist or whatever they call themselves these days (eye wizard?!), said if my right eye was out the same minuscule amount as my left they would’ve just turned me around, patted me on the bum and gently scooted me out the door without even bothering to give me glasses. Or maybe they would’ve given me frames without any lenses?

“Do I need to wear them all the time?” I asked excitedly, anticipating an uptick in both my sexiness and assumed intelligence levels.

“No!” Shrieked the eye wizard. “Just when you’re using your computer.”

Anyway, two years ago, just after Christmas and before the doom plague ruined all our lives, I started getting stingy eyes again. By now living in Cardiff, I went to another eye wizard here and got my eyes tested again (once more being subjected to the insufferable puff of air in the eyeballs from that infernal device that does who knows what) only to be told that I didn’t actually need any new glasses and the stinging in my eyes was probably just, y’know, Cardiff weather.

“But I wanted new frames,” I whined.

“You can have some new frames,” said the eye wizard, this time with a gentle Welsh lilt to their voice, “but they’ll cost you.”

Glancing briefly at the frames I liked and wincing at the price sticker (turns out I could see that no problem) I decided I didn’t need new frames, turned myself around, patted myself on the bum and scooted out the door.

Let’s fast forward to the present day and my latest visit to the eye wizard today. Strutting in the door all cocky like, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t need new glasses this time around. Seven puffs of air from the infernal device (I blinked once in anticipation, dammit) and a faultless reading of the eye test chart later, I’m told that actually, yes, I do need new ones. That was a surprise. But, cost aside, one I’m not altogether unhappy about. I like my current glasses, but I’m also a fickle follower of fashion and I want this season’s sharpest new look. 

The eye wizard subsequently led me downstairs to Melissa, who would help me find the perfect new frames for my cheeky little face. Sadly for Melissa, she was kinda redundant, because I’d already looked online and found the ones I liked; all she had to do was locate them on the rack.

So the ones I’m going for are slightly rounded frames. To be honest, I considered something similar four years ago as my free second pair, but the moment I put them on the woman helping me choose them looked at me, tilted her head and said “awww, you look like Harry Potter.” Reader, I HURLED them back onto the rack.

Four years later, Melissa did not say I looked like Harry Potter. All Melissa contributed came when I asked her what the difference was between the pair I’d already chosen and another pair that was similar.

“One has a blue bit on the arms, and the other has a red bit.” Thank you Melissa.

So, £175 lighter, this time next week I’ll have new glasses. As an aside, my car (affectionately known as The Bug - yes, I bought a new motor during blog downtime back in 2017) was in for an MOT today. It sailed through, which just goes to show that I’m falling apart quicker than a car with 37,000 miles on the clock.

Anyway, just before leaving, I asked the inevitable, with a hopeful tone in my voice:

“Do I have to wear these all the time?”

“No,” said the eye wizard. “Just when you’re working at the computer. Or looking at your phone for extended periods” - dammit she knows me too well - “Oh, and when you’re reading. To be honest, you’re prescription is a bit stronger than you’re used to so I’d actually suggest you don’t try standing up or walking while you’re wearing them as you won’t be used to it.”

So there we have it: a week today I’ll look significantly sexier and more intelligent while working or reading, but the facade will drop spectacularly if I try to move.

Story of my life, huh?