Reading list 2022

 Another bloody 365 days gone – what the hellpiece?! To be fair, I'm still in some sort of weird time loop that comes from the Chrimbo limbo. Is it Thursday? Is it Saturday? Am I an actual human being or some sort of cybernetic construct!? Whatever I am, I read some more books this year. Now, I'm going to be honest: I did not best last year's 116 books. Why? Well I started a new job in the summer that meant I didn't get to spend 90% of my life sat on my arse with a paperback in my hand. I also ended up doing – ironically – a lot of book editorial work towards the end of the year that really crushed my reading mojo.

But! I did read 51, which is almost one a week, which ain't too shabby! So let me slip on my familiar worn tweed jacket with the leather elbow patches, recline into my sumptuous leather armchair beside a crackling log fire (spoiler alert – it's one of those three-hour looped CGI fireplaces on Netflix) and run you through this year's literary highs and lows. Normal rules apply: tip-top best reads get an A+, anything that made me yawn face the depths of a C (and I don't mean Covid) or *shudder* lower. So settle back and buckle up: LET'S DO THIS!

1. The Return of the Pharaoh by Nicholas Meyer - Famed screenwriter, director and novelist Meyer returns with another Sherlock Holmes pastiche, this time taking Holmes and Watson to Egypt where they must investigate the mystery of a missing duke. A wonderful read, beautifully and intelligently written; Meyer’s Holmes books have always been a delight, and this instalment is no different: A 

2. Forever and a Death by Donald E. Westlake - A previously unpublished novel based on the author’s unused idea for the 18th James Bond movie (what eventually became Tomorrow Never Dies) finds a powerful businessman seeking revenge against China by attempting to destroy Hong Kong. All the ingredients of a good Bond movie, but a terrific novel in its own right - huge fun: A 

3. Castle in the Air by Donald E. Westlake - Another of the acclaimed author’s comedy heist novels, this time focusing on a group of crooks, barely any of whom speak the same language, all of whom are trying to steal a castle. As mad as it sounds, with some beautifully snappy dialogue and hilarious set-pieces; I lost track of what was going on at various points, but it was a wonderful ride nonetheless: A 

4. Blackmailer by George Axelrod - A publisher finds himself entangled in a web of intrigue and lies after being offered the final book by a deceased bestselling author. A solid mystery with some surprising twists and turns along the way: A 

5. Lemons Never Lie by Richard Stark - A difficult to get hold of Hard Case Crime novel written by Donald E. Westlake under his Stark pseudonym. Having been determined to add it to my Hard Case collection, I eventually tracked down a copy - and it was well worth it. Focusing on a supporting character from the author’s Parker novels, this book sees Alan Grofield seeking revenge on a criminal who stole his profits from a previous heist and murdered one of his accomplices. A thrilling novel that never lets up: A 

6. The Lost World by Michael Crichton - A gorgeous Folio Society edition, and companion to the Jurassic Park volume I read last year. I read The Lost World when it was first published back in the 90s and recall being not terribly impressed by it; rereading it now, my opinion is vastly different. It’s a brilliantly told, intelligently plotted story, and the perfect follow-up to Crichton’s Jurassic Park blockbuster. Ignore the significantly different movie interpretation, this is an absolutely brilliant read, and Folio Society once again deserve kudos for the stunning design and packaging: A+ 

7. Parker: The Martini Edition by Darwyn Cooke - Deluxe oversized, slipcased edition of Cooke’s first two adaptations of Richard Stark’s (a pseudonym of author Donald E. Westlake) Parker novels. Stark’s acclaimed novels are really brought to life here – Cooke’s stunning artwork leaping off the oversized pages, giving Parker’s misadventures an eye-catching and dynamic new dimension; I’ve always been a fan of the late artist, but here his work goes further than ever before: beautiful, brutal, and effective, with limited colours only enhancing the storytelling. The addition of some fantastic bonus materials makes an already wonderful book even more appealing: A+ 

8. A Diet of Treacle by Lawrence Block - A young woman falls in with a man whose drug-dealing housemate ultimately leads them down a dangerous path, ending in murder. A quick read, and a slow-burner that soon becomes a page-turner: A 

9. Swashbucklers by Dan Hanks - Imagine a bit of Goonies, a little Ghostbusters, and a smattering of your other favourite 80s films but with the twist that the characters have all grown up to be in their 40s and you get an inkling of what author Hanks has come up with for his second novel (after the wonderful Captain Mosley and the Embers of the Empire). A hugely enjoyable read: A 

10. Thieves Fall Out by Gore Vidal - An American man finds himself involved in a plot to smuggle a valuable necklace out of Egypt as the country finds itself on the edge of a revolution. While not a complex thriller, this is a decent page-turner that kept me entertained from start to finish: A 

11. Krull by Alan Dean Foster - Novelisation of the 1983 fantasy film. I don’t remember the movie terribly well, but this adaptation felt very by the numbers. Easy to read, but the events of the movie failed to spring to life from the page as a really good novelisation can and should do: B 

12. Call Me a Cab by Donald E. Westlake - The first publication of this ‘lost’ book from the acclaimed crime writer, in which a New York cab driver picks up a woman who asks him to drive her across the U.S. to Los Angeles while she ponders whether or not to marry her boyfriend. A simple concept is turned into a riveting read in the hands of Westlake, who crafts two likeable main characters in the form of cab driver Tom and his fare, Katherine, and a series of incidents that keep their cross-country road trip exciting. Beautifully written, touching and with wry sense of humour about it, Call Me a Cab is a book that will stay with me for a long time; I loved every page: A+ 

13. Memory by Donald E. Westlake - Actor Paul Cole is the victim of a vicious attack that leaves his memory clouded and him haunted by fear that he will never be the man he once was. A strong, melancholy tale from Westlake; Cole is an interesting character, and we learn little of the man he was before the attack, but are left rooting for the man he has become after it. I was surprised by the sudden ending, but in the context of a story such as this it worked very well: A 

14. Gremlins by George Gipe - Novelisation of the 1984 movie, and an effective read in its own right. There are some decent additional story points added to this prose version - including the fact that the Mogwai are of extraterrestrial orgin! - and it’s an easy, enjoyable read: B+ 

15. Web of the City by Harlan Ellison - A brutal tale of a young former gang member seeking revenge against the man responsible for the death of his sister. A solid tale, backed up by three of the author’s similarly themed short stories, but not for the faint of heart; possibly the darkest Hard Case Crime book I’ve read to date: B 

16. Familiar Spirit by Lisa Tuttle - Another title in Valancourt Books' Paperbacks from Hell series, Familiar Spirit tells the story of a young woman who moves into a large house only to find something sinister lurking within its walls. A decent enough read, but not one of my favourite books in this series: B- 

17. Easy Go by Michael Crichton, writing as John Lange – Oddly, the third book I’ve read this year set in Egypt! Written in the 1960s under the pen name Lange, Crichton’s tale of a group of tomb-raiders looking to loot a previously undiscovered Pharaoh’s final resting place is a hugely enjoyable page-turner. Thoroughly good fun: A 

18. Drug of Choice by Michael Crichton, writing as John Lange - In this Lange novel, a doctor finds evidence of new drug being used by a secretive corporation, and his investigation draws him into their inner circle. An intriguing premise (the notion of a secret island where experiments are conducted on unwitting tourists is particularly evocative of the author’s later Jurassic Park novels) and for the most part this is a good read, but I felt the ending was a little rushed and unsatisfying: A- 

19. Binary by Michael Crichton writing as John Lange - Government agent John Graves finds himself with just hours to prevent a madman from unleashing a cloud of deadly gas across San Diego. A taut, rollercoaster of a thriller with plenty of twists and turns – probably my favourite of these three John Lange novels: A 

20. Money Shot by Christa Faust - Former porn star Angel Dare finds herself on the road to revenge after being brutally attacked and left for dead. In Dare, author Faust has crafted a beautifully well-rounded character, helping to make what could’ve been a standard revenge thriller into a thoroughly enjoyable page-turner of a novel: A 

21. Easy Death by Daniel Boyd - What should’ve been a straightforward money van heist on a cold winter’s evening goes awry, resulting in a furious chase through snow-packed parkland to find those responsible. A great read, packed with more twists and turns than I was expecting: A- 

22. the Valancourt Book of World Horror Stories Vol. 2 - A second collection of short, under-represented horror fiction from around the globe in a gorgeous limited edition hardback (also available as a paperback and e-book). As with the first volume from a few years back, all the tales included here are entertaining, but there are some real standouts too. A great read: A 

23. Star Trek: Year Five - Experienced in Loss - The Year Five comic book series comes to an end with this final collected edition of stories. It’s a decent read, wrapping up the over-arcing storyline well, and leaving all the characters in an appropriate place for their subsequent adventure in Star Trek: The Motion Picture, but I was left a little underwhelmed by it; the collection is saved, however, by a cracking Valentines story spanning several years of Captain Kirk’s life: B+  

24. Gun Honey - The first graphic novel I’ve read from Hard Case Crime, and it’s a lot of fun. Following the exploits of a young woman seeking revenge for the death of her family years earlier, the story moves along at a decent pace and the artwork is stunning. It’s a slight read, but one I enjoyed: A 

25. A Likely Story by Donald E. Westlake - After reading a review of another Westlake book that mentioned this comedy novel, I had to track down a copy, ultimately finding a signed, limited edition slip-cased copy still in its shrink-wrap from 1984! Unlike over Westlake novels I’ve read, this is pure comedy, in which author Tom Diskant works hard to put together a book all about Christmas, while plagued by the machinations of the publishing industry and the complications of his overly complex personal life. Full of laugh out loud moments, A Likely Story has shades of Youth in Revolt, another book I adore; criminally out of print now, this is another Westlake stroke of genius, and swiftly earns itself a place as one of my favourite books ever: A+ 

26. Choke Hold by Christa Faust - This follow-up to the author’s hugely enjoyable Money Shot picks up the story of Angel Dare, still in hiding from the previous book’s villains, as she becomes embroiled in a plot involving an old lover’s son and some missing drugs. While Choke Hold doesn’t quite reach the heights of its predecessor, it’s still a thoroughly decent novel, and Angel Dare remains a beguiling character: A 

27. Little Girl Lost by Richard Aleas - A very effective Hard Case Crime novel in which private investigator John Burke tries to find out who killed his high school sweetheart on a New York rooftop. Intricately plotted with numerous twists and turns and a very satisfying conclusion. A very enjoyable read: A 

28. The Secret Lives of Married Women by Elissa Wald - A tale of two sisters, split equally between them and revealing vastly different life experiences. A Hard Case Crime book with little crime, but a good read nonetheless: B+ 

29. Dick Tracy Vol. 18 by Chester Gould – After almost a year since I last read a volume of The Complete Dick Tracy, it was a real joy to get back to the adventures of Gould’s legendary detective. In this volume Tracy goes up against two notable villains, Miss Egghead and Headache, in two engaging continuities: A 

30. Songs of Innocence by Richard Aleas - Follow-up to the earlier novel Little Girl Lost, with the character of former private investigator John Blake returning. Now working at a college, Blake finds himself returning to his investigative roots to solve the mystery of the death of his lover. Plenty of twists and turns, and shades darker than it’s predecessor, this is an effective read with that rarest of things - an unhappy ending. Brilliant: A 

31. Frank Lee: After Alcatraz - A Hard Case Crime graphic novel that explores what could have happened to Frank Lee Miller, one of three prisoners who fled Alcatraz in the early 1960s. Exquisitely illustrated and richly told, this was a sublime read: A 

32. The Confession by Dominic Stansberry - Hard Case Crime novel in which a man is accused of killing the woman he’s been having an affair with… but did he actually do it? Not my favourite Hard Case Crime novel, but it does have a few twists and turns and a stellar ending: B+ 

33. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Last Ronin - Fantastic graphic novel collected edition of the comics miniseries that tells the final Ninja Turtles story. It feels very much like a Turtles equivalent of Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns; perfectly illustrated and brilliantly told, it makes me want to read more Ninja Turtles books: A 

34. Parker: The Martini Edition - Last Call by Darwyn Cooke - Oversized, slipcased companion to the earlier Parker collection, bringing together the final Richard Stark tales illustrated by Cooke before his untimely passing. Beautifully drawn and expertly adapted from their source novels, this is a truly spectacular book, enhanced by a mass of bonus material and sketches: A+ 

35. The Next Time I Die by Jason Starr - After being stabbed to death, lawyer Steven Blitz inexplicably awakens to find himself living another version of his life. A solid read - Blitz’s resurrection is never explained and for a while I wondered whether the book was coasting along on a good premise, but it all builds to a strong conclusion that makes the journey worthwhile: B+ 

36. The Hunter by Richard Stark - Hardcover edition of the first Parker novel, written by Donald E. Westlake under his Stark pseudonym, with painted illustrations by Darwyn Cooke. Intended to be the first in a complete hardcover collection of the Parker novels, this series was ultimately cut short by Cooke’s untimely death with only this sole volume published; a tragedy, as this is a terrific read and a beautifully packaged edition: A 

37. Captain Future: The Horror at Jupiter by Allan Steele (Kindle) - Fourth and final book in steele's rebooted Captain Future series sees our hero and his friends finally confront Ul Quorn, the villain who is threatening to use an alien super weapon to destroy the Earth. Suffers a little initially from having to remind readers about what has taken place in the previous three books, but the pace swiftly picks up and this ultimately proves to be a rousing conclusion to the series: A- 

38. The Comedy is Finished by Donald E. Westlake - When comedian Koo Davis is kidnapped from the set of his television show, police must race to track him down before his kidnappers threaten to kill him. Another brilliant Westlake story published after the author’s death, with enough twists and turns to keep the reader engaged: A 

39. The Galaxy and the Ground Within by Becky Chambers - The fourth and final book in Chamber’s Wayfarer series sees a group of alien individuals trapped together on a planet surface. A charming read, and a suitable conclusion to the series; this is no life-threatening science-fiction epic, but rather a delightful story of disparate characters thrown together and how they deal with one another: A 

40. The Man with the Getaway Face by Richard Stark - The second Parker novel finds the professional robber with a new appearance following the events of the previous book, and plotting an armoured truck heist to rebuild his failing finances. A wonderful read - expertly plotted, engaging, and easy to read; I enjoyed this even more than The Hunter: A 

41. Bullet Train by Kotaro Isaka - The novel on which my favourite film of the year is based. Less comedic and action driven than its big screen adaptation, subtly different in places, and with a significantly different ending, this is still a riveting read about five hired killers on a high speed train thundering across Japan: A 

42. Swedish Cults by Anders Fager - A collection of Lovecraftian horror from a famed Swedish writer. There's a lot to enjoy here, with some truly inventive and enjoyable tales within; well worth a read, and Valancourt Books have created a handsome first translated edition: B+ 

43. The Valley of Fear by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - A Hard Case Crime edition of one of Doyle's famed Sherlock Holmes novels, in which the great detective is charged with investigating a brutal murder at a country estate. A gripping tale, even if HoImes and Watson are absent for the second half of the book, which instead takes the form of an extended flashback: A- 

44. Batman ’89 - Graphic novel collection of the comic book series that returns us to the Gotham City of Tim Burton's big screen movies. Decent artwork, and a strong story that reveals how the Billy Dee Williams version of Harvey Dent from the first movie transforms into his alter ego Two Face, as well as introducing the Robin character that was to appear in the theoretical third film. A Decent read, particularly if you have an affinity for the Burton Batman films: B+

45. Charlie’s Good Tonight by Paul Sexton - Well-written, comprehensively researched biography of the late, great Rolling Stones drummer. A real insight into the life of Charlie Watts, and the important role he played in the world's greatest rock 'n roll band: A

46. Carnosaur by Harry Adam Knight - A fascinating, long forgotten novel that predates Michael Crichton's Jurassic Park novel, yet tells an eerily similar story, albeit one transplanted to the English countryside. A really fun, quick read; the story rolls along at a decent pace, with a building sense of tension and mystery before the dinosaurs are unleashed: A

47. The Valancourt Book of Victorian Christmas Ghost Stories edited by Tara Moore - A decent collection of traditional haunting tales: B+

48. Trek the Halls by Robb Pearlman - A short Christmassy picture book for little ones. It's fun, but I wish the rhyming text was a little more engaging; gorgeous artwork, though, and it spans the full breadth of Star Trek series: B+

49. Breakfast at Tiffany’s by Truman Capote - I've been meaning to read this for a long time now, and this gorgeous little clothbound Penguin classic was the perfect edition to crack open. Darker than the famous film which it inspired, short and easy to read, this tale of the story of the enigmatic Holly Golightly is a rare gem. Why it took me so long to read I don't know; that I eventually got around to it pleases me greatly: A

50. Star Trek: First Contact - The Making of the Classic Film by Joe Fordham - A lush coffee table book that goes in-depth on the making of the eighth Star Trek motion picture. There's little here that hardcore fans won't already know, but seeing production artwork reproduced large-scale on glossy pages is always a treat, and aside from a handful of easy to spot factual errors, the text is informative and easy to read: A-

51. The House on the Brink by John Gordon - A long out of print teenage horror, revived by Valancourt Books, in which a teenage boy finds himself caught up in a supernatural mystery involving a long-dead king's crown jewels. A fun read: B+

So there we have it. Not a bad selection this year, and I know next year will be every bit as good – mainly because 18 books are sat on my shelf waiting to be read. Not only that, but there's still a load of those Dick Tracy collections I've been ignoring (eek, I said the same thing at this point last year!) – need to rattle through those! Anyway, onwards, into a New Year. May it be a happy, healthy and prosperous one for you all! 

Let’s get physical

 Can you believe it’s been almost two years since the doom plague struck? So much for the ‘Roaring Twenties’ we all promised ourselves - it’s been more like the ‘Snoring Twenties’ with the amount of napping I’ve done over the last twenty-four months. It’s almost like I was trying to hibernate through the apocalypse.

That said, I think I’m going to end up as one of those smug, annoying people who, when this whole pandemic-thing is finally over, emerge from their cocoon of agoraphobia and self isolating even when they didn’t actually need to self isolate as a slightly better version of themselves.

And no, don’t think I’m one of *those* people who wrote sixteen novels, founded a charity and started a family during lockdown - I’m not that productive, though I did write a novel - rather, I actually started focusing on getting a bit fitter. Or hench, as I believe the kids say.

I’ll be honest, I spent the first three months of the first lockdown on the sofa with my feet up reading books (which is why my reading lists over the last two years have been insane), but then I got to the point where I looked at myself in the mirror one day and I didn’t approve of the extra chin or the spare tyre (it wasn’t quite that bad, dear reader; this is more of an artistic flourish to set the tone). Let’s not forget I was a chubby kid, and the spectre of that rotund little blonde boy from the 1980s haunts me to this day. So I set about doing something about it.

Obviously being a Bikram yoga teacher my first recourse was, well, yoga. And during the balmy summer months I thoroughly enjoyed a bit of back garden yoga in the sunshine. Plus, in tiny yoga shorts I ended up with a pretty delicious tan. In August of 2020, almost exactly eleven years since I did my first thirty day yoga challenge, I started another one. Thirty days of hot yoga - well, lukewarm yoga, given I couldn’t get the underfloor heating in the living room up to forty degrees. It was a lot of fun, and a little more challenging given I was teaching myself and the inclination is always to zip through the postures I don’t like. But I didn’t, and I did it. Gold star to me and a pat on the bum.

The thing with hot yoga in a not-hot environment is that I found I was focusing on, and building, strength more than flexibility, so at the end of my thirty day challenge I thought fuck it, let’s just try to get buff. I dug out the weights I’d bought when I moved into the first Sparky Towers back in 2006. Back then the intention was to do a weights session every evening and get, well, buff, but the reality was that I used them infrequently and basically left them unloved in the bottom of the wardrobe. But no more! Now they were back in action as I furiously pumped, if not iron, well, certainly tin.

But then I realised I needed to do more, driven slightly by all the fitness stuff on my Apple Watch, which was gently encouraging me to ‘close my rings’ (move, exercise and stand). The move ring was pretty easy to close as I could manually set it at a pretty low number and feel smug when I achieved it; stand was easy too as, y’know, I can stand. But exercise was proving a little trickier.

So I bought a rowing machine.

Back in the dim-distant past when I used to go to a gym, the rowing machine was about the only cardio thing I actually a) liked, and b) saw any benefit from. So I did a little research (basically found the cheapest one) and treated myself. 

I’ll be honest, the first few months I barely used it. It was like a once-a-week-thing. I’d sit on it, get some music blasting, and row for what seemed like an eternity only to find I’d managed a pitiful kilometre and my Apple Watch would say something like ‘well done Tim, you’re so close to closing your exercise ring’ when in fact the only thing I was close to was passing out. But then in January 2021 I went hell for leather. Suddenly I was rowing six kilometres each session, sometimes more. I added long walking workouts to my regime and the weights sessions started feeling … easier? I was building arms like tennis balls in a sports sock and abs like Jesus. 

Then the rowing machine control panel broke. That was annoying, but I got a replacement and somehow using my basic understanding of how to read instructions, managed to install it myself without losing a finger. 

Despite barely rowing in December due to work and the sheer mountain of sugary goodness Sparky Ma threw at me over Christmas, I ended the year feeling fitter and healthier than I have done in a long time. And my Apple Watch stats are bonkers compared to what they were just a little over a year ago.

Look at all those closed rings.

I’ve started 2022 with a renewed focus on fitness. Unfortunately, just eight minutes into a row yesterday morning there was a comical ‘boing’ sound and the rowing machine handles went slack. A swift email to the manufacturer revealed that the ‘coil’ has gone, probably as a result of wear and tear, but possibly because I’m now A MACHINE and my vigorous health regime is to blame. Funny, I thought a coil was something else, but apparently not. Anyway, I’ve got one coming and I’ve got to take the bloody thing apart to install it myself in the next few days. There will be swearing.  

Slack bitch.

In the meantime, I’m left wondering what I can do to keep my momentum going. Weights, obviously. Walking, for sure. Oh, and then a lovely yoga teacher friend asked me last night if I’d ever practiced my own class. Don’t be silly, I replied, I hate the sound of my own voice (surprising, eh?); but she insisted, saying I teach a good one, and sent me a link to a recording of an online class I taught. So, weirdly, I might have a bash at teaching myself.

And then this morning I got an email from Apple offering me a free month of Apple Fitness+. It’s almost like they knew… Anyway, I’ve always fancied trying one of their on-demand dance classes, so maybe now’s the time to turn up the music and throw it down to some phat beats.

 The things I do for cheekbones, arms and abs…

Bringing specsy back

Four years ago - so definitely somewhere in the wilderness years of this blog where all you got was annual book updates - I started getting stingy eyes and headaches. I was spending lots of time at my computer working (not writing my blog, obviously) and I came to the realisation that I should probably have my eyes tested. 

The upshot of it was that I ended up getting Sparky’s First Pair of Glasses. Well, strictly speaking it was Sparky’s First Two Pairs of Glasses, because it was on a buy one pair get another free deal. The glasses I got were black framed, kinda like Ray-Bans sorta thing, and no you’re not getting a picture of me wearing them. That’s what Instagram is for. Weirdly, my prescription was so slight that the optician, or optometrist or whatever they call themselves these days (eye wizard?!), said if my right eye was out the same minuscule amount as my left they would’ve just turned me around, patted me on the bum and gently scooted me out the door without even bothering to give me glasses. Or maybe they would’ve given me frames without any lenses?

“Do I need to wear them all the time?” I asked excitedly, anticipating an uptick in both my sexiness and assumed intelligence levels.

“No!” Shrieked the eye wizard. “Just when you’re using your computer.”

Anyway, two years ago, just after Christmas and before the doom plague ruined all our lives, I started getting stingy eyes again. By now living in Cardiff, I went to another eye wizard here and got my eyes tested again (once more being subjected to the insufferable puff of air in the eyeballs from that infernal device that does who knows what) only to be told that I didn’t actually need any new glasses and the stinging in my eyes was probably just, y’know, Cardiff weather.

“But I wanted new frames,” I whined.

“You can have some new frames,” said the eye wizard, this time with a gentle Welsh lilt to their voice, “but they’ll cost you.”

Glancing briefly at the frames I liked and wincing at the price sticker (turns out I could see that no problem) I decided I didn’t need new frames, turned myself around, patted myself on the bum and scooted out the door.

Let’s fast forward to the present day and my latest visit to the eye wizard today. Strutting in the door all cocky like, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t need new glasses this time around. Seven puffs of air from the infernal device (I blinked once in anticipation, dammit) and a faultless reading of the eye test chart later, I’m told that actually, yes, I do need new ones. That was a surprise. But, cost aside, one I’m not altogether unhappy about. I like my current glasses, but I’m also a fickle follower of fashion and I want this season’s sharpest new look. 

The eye wizard subsequently led me downstairs to Melissa, who would help me find the perfect new frames for my cheeky little face. Sadly for Melissa, she was kinda redundant, because I’d already looked online and found the ones I liked; all she had to do was locate them on the rack.

So the ones I’m going for are slightly rounded frames. To be honest, I considered something similar four years ago as my free second pair, but the moment I put them on the woman helping me choose them looked at me, tilted her head and said “awww, you look like Harry Potter.” Reader, I HURLED them back onto the rack.

Four years later, Melissa did not say I looked like Harry Potter. All Melissa contributed came when I asked her what the difference was between the pair I’d already chosen and another pair that was similar.

“One has a blue bit on the arms, and the other has a red bit.” Thank you Melissa.

So, £175 lighter, this time next week I’ll have new glasses. As an aside, my car (affectionately known as The Bug - yes, I bought a new motor during blog downtime back in 2017) was in for an MOT today. It sailed through, which just goes to show that I’m falling apart quicker than a car with 37,000 miles on the clock.

Anyway, just before leaving, I asked the inevitable, with a hopeful tone in my voice:

“Do I have to wear these all the time?”

“No,” said the eye wizard. “Just when you’re working at the computer. Or looking at your phone for extended periods” - dammit she knows me too well - “Oh, and when you’re reading. To be honest, you’re prescription is a bit stronger than you’re used to so I’d actually suggest you don’t try standing up or walking while you’re wearing them as you won’t be used to it.”

So there we have it: a week today I’ll look significantly sexier and more intelligent while working or reading, but the facade will drop spectacularly if I try to move.

Story of my life, huh?