Tragic news, my friends: this week I was BRUTALLY FRAPED.
This is how it happened:
I went to the studio early on Tuesday evening to do a bit of teacher timetabling work, and also because I wanted to practice the 6.30pm class before teaching the 8.15. So I got there and I do the scheduling (working so hard, I might add, that the tip of my tongue was poking out the corner of my mouth), which involves keeping an online schedule, an excel spreadsheet, and a wall chart up to date, as well as letting the other members of Team Bikram Yoga Surbiton know what's going on via Facebook.
At some point after finishing the work, however, I leave the office and mill about in reception before heading into class without, it turns out, LOGGING OFF FROM FACEBOOK.
So I practice the 6.30 (which was a lovely class to take part in) and teach the 8.15 (which was a lovely class to teach), meaning that I'm away from any form of contact for well over three hours. After seeing all my students out a little after 10pm I head into the changing rooms, shower, and it's then, as I'm sitting in my pants checking my email on my phone that I realise something is amiss.
Twenty-one emails - all saying '[whoever] left a comment on your status update.'
That's odd, I thought, as I hadn't updated my status update in a couple of days - why would so many people be commenting on an old status?
And it's then that I saw a comment from one of my teacher training pals that said 'are you coming out love?' that realisation dawned.
I literally threw on my trousers, threw open the door to the men's changing rooms and shouted out our lovely Tuesday night receptionist "WHO FRAPED ME!?"
"I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SAY!" she squeaked back while attempting to hide behind the front desk.
"WHO WAS IT?!" I demanded. "WAS IT-"
And then I realised I only had myself to blame.
Back in the summer our lovely manager Shiv had left her Facebook open and I'd changed her status to say something like 'Tim Leng is my favourite teacher. So masculine, such a strong voice. Sometimes I sit by the studio door with a wistful look on my face just listening to him teach.'
At the time she had vowed revenge, but I assured her it would never happen because I was always so careful about logging off of Facebook. The one time, months later, when I had slipped up and she'd pounced - like a frapey ninja.
'I think it is time to let the real Tim be free. I hope you can all accept it,' she had written.
And while it was a very ambiguous statement, everyone had decided it meant I was coming out.
My favourite comments included:
• 'I am ready for the real Tim.'
• The aforementioned 'Are you coming out love?'
• 'Hi Yogi, I hope this means what I think it does. [Smiley face] Exciting!!! Xoxo
• Be free Timothy! We love you. xx
Rather than be utterly incensed, I actually found the whole thing hilarious, and later congratulated Shiv on what I dubbed The Best Frape Ever. And what's really lovely is that everyone was so supportive of me coming out - but, boys, I'm sorry to say there will be no Timmy love for you other than the platonic kind. And girls? I'm sorry to say I'm still on the prowl looking to ensnare one of your kind as The Future Mrs Leng, however much you might all shudder at the thought.
That said, I was a little bit surprised at how everyone's attitude was all, like, 'oh, you're finally coming out? About time mate.'