I haven't written a particularly ranty post in a while, and I know we all like a good moan, so in an attempt to let off some steam please allow me to share with you the stories of four people that have massively pissed me off within the space of 24 hours recently.
Number 1: The Scrabble wench
As you might know, I do love a good game of Scrabble on Facebook. Well, I say 'good,' but my winning percentage of just 25% suggests I'm not particularly good per se. Moving swiftly on… So anyway, as a few of my regular players (I am resisting saying "word up, playa" in a high-pitched voice here) were taking their sweet time taking their turns, I thought I'd throw it down and take my chances with a random. I started a game, and was soon joined by a lady called … let's call her Clare. Because her name was Clare. So there we are, playing away quite merrily and, I'm pleased to report, I was beating her quite comfortably. All was well.
Until she, evidently being something of a bad loser and with nothing better to do than sit poised at her computer for 10 hours waiting for the clock to tick down, FORCE FORFEITED ME.
Don't believe me? Here's the game board.
All together now: WENCH.
Infuriated, I started another game with her just so I could leave an irate message berating her and her pitiful Scrabble skills. Needless to say, she did not rise to the challenge.
Number 2: Car bitch
Despite there being a tube strike in London yesterday, I breezed into work miraculously easily. Until I got to a roundabout a few minutes away from the office, where a woman in a silver VW Golf - with THREE CHILDREN in the car - zoomed straight out in front of me when it was my right of way, forcing me to slam my brakes on. I, of course, applied my hand to the centre of the steering wheel for a prolonged bit of horn action, but sadly, and somewhat annoyingly, I got no reaction whatsoever. Nothing. Nadda. Nischman.
Still, As I shifted into first gear and resumed my journey, I couldn't help but think that the bitch looked just like a live-action version of Fenella the Kettle Witch from Chorlton and the Wheelies.
Imagine this, slightly less green and sans fez, behind the wheel of a silver VW Golf and you get the general idea.
Number 3: Cock in an Audi
Just a few minutes after my encounter with a speeding Fenella I had another, potentially more life-threatening altercation with another motorist. I was driving down the road on which my office is located when, what should come shooting out of a side-road with scant disregard for the give-way line, and with the driver TOTALLY LOOKING THE OTHER WAY? An Audi A8.
Quick, all drivers with no understanding of the rules of the road - to the cock-mobile!
And as if an Audi driver wasn't enough of a cock to begin with, this one had decided to give his car a matte finish, which took him right up to a whole new level of cock-ish behaviour. I got to see this crappy matte finish quite close up as he eventually stopped about a foot away from my driver's door. At which point I opened my mouth and divulged a choice few colourful metaphors at a somewhat increased volume.
His reaction to this? An apology, you think? Of course not - this is an Audi driver we're talking about here. He extended his hand and gave me the 'V' sign, as if him nearly driving into my car was my fault, obviously.
Cock-o-meter readings are pretty much off the scale, captain.
On the plus side, I know where the guy lives, and if this cold snap we're having at the moment actually does follow through and dump a load of snow on London, I'm going to write 'COCK' on his windscreen in lovely big letters.
Number 4: Shabby cabby
First off, I apologise for that heading. It makes NO SENSE whatsoever, but I do like the fact that it rhymes *claps like a speshul*. Anyway, so shortly after leaving work yesterday evening I'm driving through Chiswick when I get caught at a particularly busy pedestrian crossing. I think I let about eight people across in total - and they weren't all in one group or holding hands like school children, so I actually ended up sitting there for the best part of a minute. Just as the last person is halfway across, though, the cab driver who had, moments earlier, been driving a bit close behind me, bips me. Yes, you read that right - he BIPS ME to encourage me to drive on!
Can you imagine that in court?
"So, just what motivated you to mow down the plaintiff on the evening in question?"
"Well the cabby behind me bipped so I thought it would be alright."
There wasn't really much I could do in retaliation, though, because it was dark so he wouldn't have been able to make out any irate gesticulations on my part, so I ended up just waiting for the lady to finish crossing and drove off.
So there are my tales of woe. I feel a bit better for getting all that off my chest; it was quite therapeutic. Feel free to sound off in the comments if you've also wanted to thump someone recently.