The night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house



Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;



That's because I run a clean house and eradicate ALL vermin ON SIGHT.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,



In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;



I've been out shopping in crowded malls searching high and low for the perfect presents for you … and HE gets all the credit?!

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,



While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;

By 'sugar-plums' do you mean expensive toys? Because I seriously can't imagine any kid in this day and age dreaming about fruit.



And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,



Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,



Um, yeah, coooooourse we had. Her in her 'kerchief (WTF?) and me in my cap? Sounds like some festive dress-up fun, methinks!

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,



I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.



Sexily tripping over my trousers in the process.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,



Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.



Um, WTF is a sash, and why am I throwing it up? Did I eat it?

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow



Heh heh. Breast.

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,



Am I still naked or am I wearing the sash? Because I'm suddenly very conscious of my 'objects below.'

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,



But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,



I think it's obvious now that the wife slipped me some festive roofies.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,



I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.



Or a pervert come to murder us in our sleep.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,



Should've slowed down a bit then.

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;



"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!



On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!

They sound like strippers.

*Adjusts sash and adopts sexy grin*



To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!



Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"



Strippers come back! Don't dash away all - I'm wearing a festive sash for you!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,



When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,



I'm sorry, that just *doesn't* make sense. It's total word soup. Either that or the roofies are seriously kicking in.

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,



With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.



Why the hell did they land on my lawn first? Was it just for a toilet break? Did Prancer poop? Why you…!

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof



The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.



I think this is where I should be picking up a heavy object - like a baseball bat or something.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,



Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.



And instinctively I whacked him in the face with the bat.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

Quick - someone call PETA.



And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

From when he'd no doubt burnt his previous victims to destroy the evidence!



A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,



And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.



Now the word 'peddler' just makes him sound like a filthy old pervert in this day and age, doesn't it?

His eyes - how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!



His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!



In other words: drunk.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,



And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;



Flecked with blood, no doubt.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,



Or rather what's left of them after he ate bat!

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;



Call the cops - he's smoking wacky baccy in my living room.

He had a broad face and a little round belly,



That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.



Oh my, we are painting a pretty picture here, aren't we?

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,



And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;



Because I totally knew I could take him in a fight.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,



Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;



Because by wrenching his neck I could sever his head (I've seen how they do it in the movies).

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,



And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,



'A jerk'? Um, seriously, I'm not going anywhere near *that*. He better clean it up.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,



And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;



I told you he was high.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,



And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.



WHAT. THE. HELL?!

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,



"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

*Waves baseball bat*

Be gone, pervert! Now, where was my wife…

*Re-adjusts sash*

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Happy Christmas to you all, dear friends and readers - eat, drink, and be merry!