Old school

"Well now we're respected in society
We don't worry about the things that we used to be
We're talking heroin with the president
Well it's a problem, sir, but it can't be bent
Uh yes!
Well now you're a pillar of society
You don't worry about the things that you used to be
You're a rag-trade girl, you're the queen of porn
You're the easiest lay on the White House lawn"
- 'Respectable,' The Rolling Stones

I popped to Kingston today, mainly because I'd seen some cushions that I thought would go lovely with my sofa; chocolate brown, £7 each, and three for the price of two. Bargain.

Then I thought...

I used to be so hardcore, and now I'm all about the soft furnishings. When did that happen?

I've been thinking about time, recently. Even more so since last night's badminton - it brought back a lot of memories from years ago. Y'see, I first started playing badminton with those people when I was at school; we all met at a badminton night class I ended up going to when I was... 16? 17? Gosh. Those were the days; I loved my days in the sixth form - good friends, dedication to the specific subjects I adored. Good times.

Easier times, in fact.

And then the years sort of slip by without you actually paying any attention ... and I'm wondering at what point I stopped being the carefree 16 year-old and became the 28 (neeeeeearly 29) year old with responsibilities. A different life, and maybe a different person?

(And don't anyone post a comment saying "when you turned 17," thank you)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not dissing my life now. I love it: I'm physically fitter than I've ever been, I've got a wealth of experience behind me, interests and hobbies I would never have considered before, and I've got the most amazing bunch of friends I could possibly hope for (many, like Sweatband, Yaz, Mr Chunt, Marcosy, Comics pal Graham, and El Deanio who I've met through work, as well as you out there in bloggerland too – you know who you are). You could say I've become the sort of person that I was trying to be all those years ago.

And yet...

You'll laugh, but one of the most profound things I've ever heard came from Star Trek (and no, it was not "fire photon torpedoes," although that is also quite profound now that I come to think about it):

"Have we two, you and I, grown so old ... and so inflexible ... that we have outlived our usefulness?"

That sentence struck a chord with me the first time I heard it, for some reason, and it's still with me now. I became an editor when I was young - about 21, in fact. I've never really told anyone this, but at the time I didn't feel ready, and in the back of my mind I always thought I'd have the excuse that I was too young to be in such a position of authority - running a team of people, with deadlines and all that grown-up stuff - if I needed it. I didn't, but it was reassuring to know it was an option. And now it's not there anymore.

And now I'm seeing young(er) people coming up in similar roles, and I don't feel unique anymore, yet I don't feel older, and I still have my dreams to fulfill, and I'm not ready to pass the torch because this, here and now, is still my time (Raaaah!).

You can never go back, can you? And if you could, would you want to?

I suppose I'm rallying against the constrictions that being grown-up places on us. The nine-to-five, the bills, other people's expectations, etc.

Because sometimes you just feel like you want to go climb a damned rock, huh?

So this has all been kinda serious, huh? Sorry, I just thought I'd write it because it seemed like it'd been in my head for a while. Maybe this'll exorcise it. I don't know.

(Whoa! My iTunes is *SO* catching my 'nod-to-the-past' vibe! Steve Winwood - 'Higher Love'? BRING. IT. ON!)

As for the post heading, well, I think that has something to do with the fact that it's been 10 years since I left school, and that seems like quite a momentous occasion because in the intervening years everything has changed. Do you know, I barely know anyone I went to school with anymore. And if I did see anyone, I might try to pretend that I didn't know them. I've always said that if there was a school reunion I wouldn't go for the sheer fact that if I wanted to be in touch with those people I would've made the effort to stay in touch with them. That and the fact that I don't feel like I have anything to prove. I've survived out here in the world and I've made my mark, however big or small it may be.

Maybe I should've called this post 'Defiance'?

Anyway, so there's no punchline to this. No gag. But I kinda hope you get where I'm coming from. Because too many people use excuses such as being "too old" and "can't be bothered" to stop them from exposing themselves to new and exciting things.

Yeah, kid, you might be a stock market whizz kid, but do you know how a warp plasma conduit works? No, I didn't think so.